I Ruin Everything I Touch

I don't know how to live with being insane. I'm trying to figure it out, but how can I?

How can I determine solutions for dealing with my mental health issues with it all begins in my mind anyway? I feel as though I can't trust my brain. All the craziness, all the irrationality, all the peaks and troughs, the self-destruction, the great force of negativity, it all begins there. Each impulse I feel is probably misguided. I can't tell the good ideas from the bad. The rage flows in and out of planning the week, clocking in at work, and making lunch for the kids. I don't trust what could be coming out of my own mouth.

How do I temper the anxiety and still live? Do I even bother trying? Every attempt I make at being normal, sociable, and a contributing member of society gets blown over by my inability to think rationally. My mental illness defines what I become in every aspect of my life.

Do I stop myself from pursuing my dreams because I know I will eventually ruin everything I have built up anyway? Do I stop myself from creating meaningful relationships because my mind will eventually rot them for me, or cause me to do things that destroy close relationships? Why bother letting people in when I will inevitably drive them back out? Do I chase anything worse pursuing even when I can't stop second guessing myself, or feeling like I can't keep up a charade of "having it all together?" Do I halt career and schooling options because the stress makes everything worse?

This is to say nothing of the regret I already feel. Why did I bring a spouse into my life so that they have to deal with all my repercussions and pick up all the pieces after I implode? Even worse, why did I bring children into the world, and see all the faulty ways which I parent? So that I can see all my own weaknesses and shortcomings in them? I feel I have done them a disserve by being their mother, because I understand that my insanity is inheritable. Am I just creating a horrible household for them to grow up in, through no fault of their own?

What kind of a life is worth building when all I do is ruin everything I touch? When all I can do is overthink and overanticipate and freak out about everything I do, and everything that everyone else does? When all my self-critical anxiety stains everything I am, and bleeds onto everything I touch or create, what is the point of creating? What's the point of jobs, friends, family relationships, hobbies, education, and everything else that gives life meaning? I'm just going to ruin it all.

My mind is a terrible place to be.

Minimalism Challenge . . .

Day 1: Define your personal style

Home
My personal style is best described with one word: simple. I like clean lines and simple palettes. I like having visual room-to-breathe. I like white and black (or really dark brown). I like classic style and traditional touches. I don't like frills. I don't like gaudy. I don't like hodge-podge, mismatched, or cluttered. I don't like rustic or bohemian. I just want my house to be pretty. I want to have everything around me look nice. I want my house to feel quiet, clean, and orderly. I want it to feel like fresh air.

Wardrobe
My home's style is more aesthetically oriented than my clothing's style. Comfort and cost are the most important factors over my clothing purchases. My colors are: purple, blue, teal/turquoise, grey, black, white, mint, and pink/coral. Colors are generally vivid; I don't do muted tones. I don't believe in ruffles, animal print, or anything uncomfortable. Items should be fitted, in general. Stripes are encouraged. Dark jeans and pants are necessary.

Day 2: Pick a theme for your home and/or wardrobe

Home
My home's theme is "timeless." Nothing should feel dated or trendy. Everything should "hang well" together.

Wardrobe
My wardrobe's theme is "simple." Everything goes together; I have a defined color palette. Selecting clothes shouldn't be hard, because everything should always be an option, no matter what else I have picked out. I don't need to be loud in my fashion choices; I don't need to draw attention to myself. Words like "feminine" or "playful" don't need to apply. I just want to look neat and put together.

Day 3: My most essential clothing items

Striped or solid long sleeve or 3/4 length shirts in my main colors (see above), V neck tees, blue or grey cardigans, dark blue or grey skinny jeans and capris, Bermuda shorts if I can find any, Navy blue peacoat, brightly colored sweatshirts, grey riding boots, black Vans, strappy sandals, flats in all my colors, Blowfish booties, simple and dainty jewelry, dresses in my colors in fitted cuts, pencil skirts, black tights, metallics,

Day 4: Write down five things you are grateful for

My husband - Hands down, the best part of my life. He makes every day better. He is my partner forever. He is my #1.

My religion - Keeps me centered, keeps me sane, keeps me going. If I lost everything else, it would continue to give me comfort. It is the foundation for everything I do and am in this life.

My kids - James is smart, funny, sweet, energetic, optimistic, kind, silly, my ultimate friend. Avery is soft, snuggly, sweet, bashful, smiley, my little light. Love them.

My (extended) family - We have so many family members close by. They help us out all the time. We never spend a holiday alone. We always have someone to call for help. We are very lucky in that way.

Our financial situation - 80% luck/blessings and 20% hard work, we have been in a much better situation financially than most people our age. I am so grateful. It gives me so much peace.

Five Year Goals . . .

How do I want my life to feel in five years?

calm
secure
simple
fulfilled

Where was I five years ago?

In 2011, I was attending SUU; I didn't have a degree yet. I had decided to do Family Services and Studio Arts minors. I planned on applying to grad school to become a Marriage and Family Therapist. Instead, I didn't go to grad school. I had a baby. I worked a lot for a little bit of money. I did pencil commissions. I illustrated a children's book. I built a house.

What do I want from my life in five years?

• No big gaps in my resume
• More about family, less about a job (and maybe put the job aside if its what my family needs)
• Money isn't the most important consideration
• Help my kids to:
• Be involved
• Be successful in school
• Be gaining new experiences
• Be pursuing/discovering their own passions
• Be a [...] parent:
• Kind
• Patient
• Involved
• Attentive
• Forgiving
• Never work at a job I hate
• Do work that feels meaningful
• Have an identity outside of "mom"

Quotes . . .

The heart that gives, gathers. - Marianne Moore

Change your thoughts and change your world. -Norman Vincent Peale

If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything.

Burn brightly without burning out.  -Richard Biggs

Nothing happens . . . But first a dream. -Carl Sandburg

It is one of the most beautiful compensations in life . . . That no man can sincerely try to help another without helping himself. -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Sometimes, in the winds of change, we find our true direction.

Throw your heart over the fence and the rest will follow. -Norman Vincent Peale

Courage does not always roar.  Sometimes it is a quiet voice at the end of the day, saying . . . “I will try again tomorrow.”  -Mary Anne Radmacher

Laughter is an instant vacation. -Milton Berle

The best sermons are lived, not preached. -Cowboy wisdom

Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things. -Robert Brault

It’s choice - not chance - that determines your destiny. -Jean Nidetch

To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides. -David Viscott

Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless. -Mother Teresa

Joy is a light that fills you with hope, faith and love.

A flaw in Modern Medicine . . .

Let me be plain. I love modern medicine. I love that my child is vaccinated against diseases that wreak havoc on tiny bodies. I love that several of my family members are alive despite having cancer at one point or another in their lives. I love that my labor was not really unpleasant, thanks to the lovely anesthetics running through my peripheral nervous system.

However . . .

I'm kind of at a loss as to the biggest problem my son's pediatrician has with his health. It's his weight. James is in the 2nd percentile for weight for his age group. I could go into why I think this is a load of crap because he was breastfed and we didn't start him on solids for six months and blah blah blah. The real issue I have with this notion is that I am being asked to go against my child's own desires to try to get more food into him.

Because James is now two standard deviations away from the mean weight of children born on his birthday, we are now having to supplement his diet with Pediasure (which sucks, because so far James has really hated Pediasure). It's got 240 calories per bottle and I am supposed to give it to him all in one sitting, once a day. Our previous approach of "feed him more" didn't work so well. He needs to drink more whole milk and get more iron. I am kind of baffled.

Why am I feeding my son when he is not even hungry? Why am I trying to give him a certain amount of food that is completely unrelated to his own appetite? Why am shoving a nasty drink he dislikes in his face to drop straight fat and calories into his system when he is already satiated? What is that going to accomplish? So he can be more like the other kids? Do we even want that? What if these kids turned out like most adults? I certainly wouldn't want that.

Did you know that heart disease is the biggest killer in America? 25% of deaths every year are related to heart disease. Do you know what the biggest risk factors for heart disease are? Having diabetes, being overweight/obese, having a poor diet, and being physically inactive. So, basically, being a fat, lazy American is killing 25% more people than we would have had normally.

Is this the standard I am trying to fulfill? I'm trying to fatten my kid up so he will be "normal," but do I even want him to be normal? The only thing I could do to ensure my child a more quick death would be to give him cigarettes, according to the CDC. Do medical professionals see the irony that they are telling parents to give their kids "x" amount of food, even more food if their child is underweight, and they turn around and tell adults they need to scale back their diet. Am I the only one who wonders if the two are actually related?

So I spend the next few years conditioning James' metabolism and appetite handle more food. I go against his base instincts to bring him up to the standard by which we judge all kids (each other), but when he stops growing and still wants more food, I wonder why my child is getting overweight?

I'm not saying it's going to happen. I am just postulating the fact that maybe one of the reasons we are so freaking fat in this country is because we think we have to have our children weigh something that is based on something arbitrary and stupid. Of the other kids on that chart, how many parents are feeding their kids candy and pop and ice cream and pizza and all kids of other crap that are just packing on the pounds? And my child looks smaller because of it.

Maybe it is time to rethink the paradigm that we should go against a child's base urges to fit them into an unrealistic mold that clearly just results in him being unable to run up a staircase without being winded. Or lose his ability to see his feet over his gut by the time he hits 40. Or whatever. Doesn't his little body, which pumps blood, secretes hormones, converts oxygen into ATP, and eliminates toxins from the system deserve to be trusted in knowing how many calories it needs? And when to stop eating?

I dunno. Guess not.

A few of my favorite things . . .

Before I had James, I did a journal prompt that was titled "100 Things I Love." I recently revisited this list and enjoyed it so much, I wanted to add it to the blog.

Here we go:

100 Things I Love: (in no particular order)

Skinny jeans. Finishing an art project. Music. The feeling after working out. Candy. Surprises. Fruit. Painting. Pictures. Learning. Halloween. A clean kitchen. Cinnamon rolls. Nostalgia. Alphabetizing. Rain. Lemonade. Summer. Organized spaces. Dustin Kensrue. Spaghetti. Mean Girls. Psychology. Fireworks. Purple. Family. The smell of fall. Alaska. Sleeping in. Spice cake. The 4th of July. Tommy Boy. Being LDS. Neuroscience. Mountains. Presents. Harry Potter. Pad Thai. Reading. Mom. Singing in the car. Lists. The 90's. Sunshine. Temples. Warm concrete on bare feet after the sun goes down. Kissing. Crafting. Nieces and nephews. Picture frames. JACOB. The smell of laundry detergent. Laughing. Having the day off. Being outside. Vacation. Doodling. Thrice. Thunderstorms. Cuddling. Playing games. Trees. Volleyball. Buying small notebooks/journals. Mopping. Snow cones. Shopping (not grocery). Nail polish. Lemon meringue pie. Teal. Apple/cinnamon scents. Shaved legs + clean sheets. Guitars. Staying up late talking. Vans shoes. Hot tubs. Prismacolors. Christmas. Ron Swanson. Clouds. Garlic. Scrapbook paper. Walking barefoot on sand. Following through. Hanging out. Screen printing. Hermione Granger. Cardigans. Sushi. Mom's homemade ham & potato soup. Hugs. Screamo. Corn on the cob. Doner Kebab. Vienna. Virgin margaritas. JAMES. Volcom. Kayaking. Sour cream & onion potato chips.

I looooove making lists (obviously, it's in the above list), but this list has to make me more happy than any other list!

Why the Stay-at-Home Mom vs. Working Mom Debate Exists . . .

The mommy wars are always ridiculous. I say this knowing full well that I have, at one time or another, contributed to them. But I think the worst mommy war topic is staying home vs. working. People can be so wretchedly mean about their opinions. So I started thinking about why such animosity exists between these two, fairly similar groups of people. Here's what I came up with.

1. Everyone wants to be validated

Basically all moms want to provide the best life possible for their children. This, however, can mean different things to different people. Sometimes it seems like the best way you can make your child's life better is to earn more money. Some circumstances mandate that you need to make more money for your child to make their life better (see #3). Sometimes people think giving their child a stable, consistent home life is the best start. Either way, we make our choice, and we hope we are doing the best thing.

And we want people to know that we are indeed doing the best thing.

So we seek validation. If saying how hard being a stay at home mom is on Facebook, someone will probably comment "Amen" or something. But it also makes us feel better about our own circumstances to trash whatever group of people is doing the opposite. Pointing out the flaws in others' plans can make us feel better about our own. This is true for many life circumstances, not just parenting, and not just this specific aspect of parenting. We want to feel like what we are doing is best. So we make a war out of it.

2. Knee jerk responses are real

This one is related to the first. If you were a working mother, and someone had the audacity to say that stay-at-home moms give their child the best start at life, or they somehow are superior, wouldn't you get defensive? It is easy to pile on the criticism either way. I have heard both. "Stay-at-home moms are lazy!" (I have seen some pretty damning videos that show just what the world thinks stay-at-home moms do all day.) "Working moms are selfish!" Whatever. Obviously neither of those things are true. But when you feel attacked, it's what you will come up with. Mostly to make yourself feel better about your situation.

3. Sometimes circumstances are out of our control

I am a stay-at-home mom by choice. Mostly. Honestly, I could probably get a job; I have decent qualifications. I know there is good day care in my area. But I would rather not. I do find my experience raising my child day-to-day rewarding.

But...

This wasn't exactly my plan. I grew up in a household that strongly rewarded academic achievement. My parents raised two valedictorians (note: there are only two kids in our family). My mindset has always been one of work and school and getting that paper. But my husband got a great job opportunity in our small hometown, and the university doesn't have a Master's program I'm interested in pursuing. (My poor choice of undergraduate degree doesn't help this situation.)

So this is what I do. I stay home and raise the baby so we can save money on daycare and because I am kind of out of options right now.

I don't think I am the only person to end up working or not working because of circumstances out of my control. And when you feel kind of stuck, you feel kind of defensive. Some working moms are working moms by choice, and some are not. Maybe most are not entirely sold one ways or the other. But if you do feel stuck, it might ease the pain of being stuck by lashing out a bit. Angry Internet rants aside, when you put down others (see #1) or boost yourself up, you may be able to make yourself feel a bit more in control in your situation.

4. There is good and bad to both circumstances

I worked a small number of hours a week from the time my little one was 7 weeks old until he was 4 1/2 months old. There were a lot of reasons to stop working that I won't get into. But it came as kind of a relief to not have to worry about juggling being a caregiver and, well, being a caregiver (ironically, that was my actual job title).

I thought the stress of life would immediately melt away because I didn't have to worry about working anymore. It didn't. Shocking, I know. Turns out there is a lot of stress in being home all day. The trouble with being a stay-at-home mom is that you are stuck at work 24 hours a day. At least if you work at home and work at work, your environment changes a bit. I see the same tasks facing me from the moment I get up in the morning 'til the moment I lay down at night. In addition, being a stay-at-home mom was challenging in all the wrong ways. You aren't tackling anything monumental or life affirming, you are just doing the mundane things that every household has to accomplish in order to function. And your co-workers (babies) are pretty demanding.

However, being a stay-at-home mom is pretty great at the same time. I have taken a greater interest in my old hobbies since I stopped working. My co-worker is dang cute and funny! And I am in remarkable control of my hours, especially now that baby is older.

There is good and bad.

I felt the same way working and raising a child. It was hectic to coordinate baby-sitters. It was exhausting to leave one job to come home to more work. But it is so rewarding to earn your own money and accomplish things outside of laundry and cleaning. Good and bad co-exist here, too.

I think that's where the root of the war comes in. Neither circumstance is perfect. Unsurprisingly, since there is virtually nothing on earth that is perfect. However, nitpicking, complaining, and unrestrained use of Internet commentating allow us to say whatever we want to whatever end we please.

So the war takes more victims.

I was not the first stay-at-home mom to be offended by someone else's slander. Nor will I be the last. But I think it helps to identify with something other than such a narrow framework. I am a stay-at-home mom, currently. I probably won't always stay home. There will be a good 30 years after the kids have gone before I die. Who knows what will happen then. And who knows what will happen when all the kids are old enough to be in school.

The point is, it doesn't freaking matter.

You do the best you can with the circumstances you are in. You try to make good choices for your family. And you shut the @#$% up about so-and-so's choices because it has absolutely nothing to do with you.

Okay, moving on.