A follow up . . .

Wow. That last post was pretty depressing. I have to admit I was in the gall of bitterness at that point. Not all days leave me feeling that bad, but one or two days a week, it really gets to me. I admit it, life is not amazing right now. Working 50 hours a week, every week, freaking sucks. Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays usually consist of 12 - 14 hours of work. It's gotten pretty bad.

I have always known that my personality is not the type that does "all day, everyday" very well. I really can't handle doing one thing all day. This includes working. I get pretty down when the only thing I do during my waking hours is working, or, in a slight variation, going to and coming from work. It gets to me when I have those 8:30am-11:30pm work days (okay, I had an hour break, but still).

But I am feeling a lot better today. It is General Conference in my church, and, fortunately, I made it a priority to squeeze that into another work day. President Dieter F. Uchtdorf is so great. He has the tendency to speak to things that I really need to hear. Today was especially pertinent. He talked about making time for the important things in life, not whittling away all the time doing things that don't do you any good in the eternal scheme of things.

I realize that this is not happening too often in my life these days. Sometimes I see Jacob awake for half and hour the entire day. And while so much of that seems like it is out of control, it kind of isn't. I have a serious problem always saying "yes" to people. "Can you cover my shift?" "Can you handle that many hours?" "Can you come in early?" Yes. Yes. Yes. WHY? Just because I can doesn't mean I should. In fact, just because I can doesn't even mean it is in my best interest to do so. The physiological effects of my work schedule is becoming more and more evident everyday. How so? By all the stupid things I do and say that my brain wouldn't do if I had gotten enough rest! It needs to stop. I need to start saying no.

The second point that came up during President Uchtdorf's talk was that we need to be happy, no matter our circumstances. This was so good for me to hear (and my husband was totally like, "See? I've been telling you that the whole time!") because I have been the queen of complaining lately. Everyday I count up how many hours I am working and boo and whine about how much it is. It. Needs. To. Stop.

I have so much to be grateful for. I have such an amazing family. Especially my husband, who has been so patient with me lately and has been so loving, despite the minimal amount of time we see each other. I had the rare opportunity to be with my parents, brother, sister-in-law, nephew, and niece yesterday. It was so great. I am so lucky to have such a great family. We have so many blessings in our lives. We have food in our fridge, an apartment to live in, cars that run, bodies that stay healthy (even when we aren't giving them all the sleep and rest they need), and so many other things that many people in the world go without. Even the very thing I complain about the most, work, is a blessing. How lucky am I that I have two jobs?! Some people can't even get one!

So I am going to try to be better. President Uchtdorf, you really inspired me to try to make some changes. I think they will make me better, they will definitely make my life easier.

So here are my goals:

1. Stop saying yes to everything. Say no to people. They are not your responsibility.

2. Spend more time with family. 

3. Be happier. Appreciate everything you have.

4. Stop complaining (so much). 
This will be the difficult part.

Hoping for a better week next week! And so excited to have Sunday off tomorrow.

It gets better . . .

I can't sleep. I slept in too long this morning to go to sleep by midnight. But I also have something on my mind. Something I would like to talk about with someone, but no one has the time to hear it. Nor is it something enjoyable to hear.

What happened to my life? I don't even feel like I am living one right now. I am just drearily moving on from one day to another, one task to the next. I don't think I could remember how to have fun if I even had the time to try. Everyday is just wholly consumed with work. Since I got my second job, I have worked more 50 hour weeks than not. I just get up in the morning, go to work, work all day long, then come home and do nothing because I am too freaking tired to do anything else or because it's midnight and Jacob wants to go to bed. 

I thought these were supposed to be he best years of my life. I thought I was supposed to spend every waking second with my husband just consumed in lovey dovey bliss and live a life of absolute carefree joy until we decided to grow up and have kids. What a load of nonsense that is. Every passing moment just seems to get busier than the last. There is so much to do; I am barely keeping my head above water.

I am totally at a loss as to what to do. I can't quit one of my jobs, and Jacob can't just stop student teaching. And unless he can find a new job in this terrible economy, he is just going to keep working those same horrendous hours at the restaurant.

I realize people go through rough patches. I realize that people get busy. But does it ever get better? I don't hear of people getting less busy. I just so desperately hope that there is something more fulfilling out there than this. I can't imagine spending the rest of my life just completing tasks on a checklist like I do now. My whole brain is consumed with thoughts of the next shift and the next work project, I never think about anything else. I don't know how much longer I can live like this. I feel so unfulfilled my life is just a meaningless list of tasks with no pleasure and no enjoyment. And I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel assuring me that it's going to get better. I wish I had something like that to look forward to, but, to be honest, I don't have anything to look forward to in my life right now.

Sonething's gotta give. I can't live this life anymore.

I am 22 . . .

So. What.

I think we have a problem here in Utah. Everybody wants to get everything done so quickly. Married at 19. Baby at 20. Another baby at 21. What is with that? Oh, and graduating in 2 years so you can have your degree. What is with the Mormon women and having to get life started so dang soon. I feel like everyone is just making plans and hurrying to get things done so quickly. Why? Because you have to have 10 kids before you hit 35?

I hate that everyone is pressuring me to have a baby. Baby. Baby. Baby. Baby. Could someone please talk to me about something other than a baby? If they are not talking to me about a baby, it's about grad school. I have had my Bachelor's for two months, and it is officially time to go to grad school. Get my butt to grad school. People always seem so condescending when I tell them I am taking a year off. Like, oh, you're going to work for a year? At your minimum wage jobs? Ugh. How pathetic.

What's wrong with taking my time with my life? Why do I have to have a family by the time I'm 23? Just because I'm LDS doesn't mean I want to pop out babies for the rest of my days. Maybe I want to experience life before I settle down completely. Maybe I want to take things slower so I don't have a nervous breakdown in grad school.

I will do it my way, thank you very much. I'll get there when I get there.

Epic end to an even more epic decade . . . (Tribute to Thrice)

About a month ago I went to my final Thrice concert. It was their Farewell tour, they are basically done being full-time touring musicians. I still have hope that they might make more music one day, but there's definitely no guarantee.

Basically, this was the greatest concert I've ever been to, in my short life of concert attendance. Such a good crowd as far as participation goes. I was a little bit out of the heat of it because we went upstairs on the balcony, but it was still a phenomenal experience. Not being in the middle of the crazy moshers gave me a chance to just sit back and listen when I really just wanted to savor the minute, instead of jump around a punch dance like everyone else. Truly, it was musical perfection.

Since the concert, I basically have felt like listening to only Thrice. I will turn on something else, but it will only take a matter of minutes before I start thinking about a Thrice song I would rather be listening to. This is the band that has ruined all other music for me.

You (as in the one reader I get a year with this blog) may be thinking to yourself, "What's so great about this band I've never heard of?" Well sir/ma'am, let me tell you why they are so friggin good and I could not possibly ever have another favorite band.

Mostly, it's Dustin. Don't tell my husband, but I basically love this man. He is truly amazing. If Dustin writes it, it is pure lyrical gold. I will give you some examples:

"The lesson you'd do well not to forget
Your life could be the one it's wisdom saves
At sea, where you're beleaguered and beset
On every side by strife of wind and waves
Despite the best of maps and the bravest men
For all their mighty names and massive forms
There'll never be and has never been
A ship of fleet secure against the storms.

When kings upon the main have clung to pride
And held themselves to masters of the sea
I've held them down beneath the crushing tide
Til they have learned that no one masters me.

But grace can still be found within the gale
And fear and reverence, raise your ragged sail."

-King Upon the Main

 Not convinced? Okay, we'll keep going.

"I've never been this cold, the fire's gravity compels
Like planets cling to sol, I feel my orbit start to fail
Like moths to flame I come, too close and all my oaths are burned
As star begin to run, all my accusers take their turn
And calling curses down, from my lips lies like poison spill
And then that awful sound, the sound of prophesy fulfilled
And then I met your eyes, and I remember everything
And something in me dies, the night that I betrayed my King." 

-from Like Moths to Flame

And there is so much more where that came from. He is so brilliant, I hope his pursuits now that he is not a frontman take him to the world of literature because I love reading everything he writes. He's capable of saying so much with so little:

"Tell me are you free
While the gallows stand
And bullets lance the bravest lungs
Will I fold my hands or hold my tongue
Or let the flames lick at my feet
Or breathe in fire and know I'm free
Flames will rise and devour me
Oh, to breathe in fire and know I'm free."

-from Firebreather

The second song example is also the second reason why I love this band so much. What other band could scream and make me feel reverent. NONE! I love that Dustin is so religious and his lyrics reflect that. I really do feel closer to God while listening to certain songs. Take this one for example (one of my all-time favorites):

"All you great men of power, you who boast of your feats
Politicians and entrepeneurs
Can you safeguard your breath in the night while you sleep?
Keep your heart beating steady and sure?
As you lie in your bed, does the thought haunt your head that you're really rather small?
If there's one thing I know in this life, we are beggars all.

All you champions of science and rulers of men
Can you summon the sun from its sleep?
Does the earth seek your counsel on how fast to spin?
Can you shut up the gates of the deep?
Don't you know that all things hang as if my a string over the darkness, poised to fall?
If there's one thing I know in this life, we are beggars all.

All you big shots that swagger and stride with conceit
Did you devise how your frame would be formed?
If you'd be raised in a palace or live out on the streets,
Choose the place or the hour you'd be born?
Tell me what can you claim? Not a thing, not your name!
Tell me if you can recall just one thing not a gift in this life
Can you hear what's been said?
Can you see now that everything's grace, after all?
If there's one thing I know in this life, we are beggars all."

-Beggars

Now if that doesn't convince you that they are amazing, I don't know what will, but I will keep going nonetheless. The next reason for loving this band can be summed up in one word: Teppai. This guy is so amazing. Not only does he shred like its nobody's business, but he just oozes style and awesomeness. I love seeing him live, he just grooves around the stage like he's in his room playing by himself.

Another thing I really, really adore about this band is their musical diversity. Album after album, I never get bored. There is something for every mood I am in. Feeling like head banging like a crazy person? Listen to The Illusion of Safety or Artist in the Ambulance. Feeling like getting deeply introspective? Vheissu or The Alchemy Index. Just chilling? Beggars. And if you ever need to get seriously pumped up, one word: Firebreather. I wish so much I had known about these guys when I was playing volleyball. It would have gotten me much more riled than any of that hip-hop nonsense we played during warm-ups.

I thing the last thing I have to say is that it just doesn't get any better. I can't explain it. I've just never listened to anything this good. And in some cases, I've never listened to anything so beautiful. I think this is exemplified best in this song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nvYmxHN4z7k

So there's my long-winded tribute to Thrice. Hopefully, someone will listen to my constant pleadings and give them a try. But if not, I'll just keep my wonderful little secret hidden from at large and know that it doesn't get any better than this.

Lyricist . . .

Rhetoric can't raise the dead
I'm sick of always talking when there's no change
Rhetoric can't raise the dead
I'm sick of empty words
Let's lead
Not follow

Late night
Brakes lock
Hear the tires squeal
Red light
Can't stop
So I spin the wheel
My world goes black
Before I feel an angel
Steal me from the greedy jaws of death and chance
And pull me in with steady hands
Giving me a second chance
The artist in the ambulance

Permanence . . .

I am not sure if there is such a thing as permanence. Sure, we have the word, the meaning, and the usage, but I don't believe in it. What in this world is really permanent? Yes, I have always had this body, this brain, this soul, but it has changed so much over these past 22 years that I have serious doubts over whether any of it could really be considered "the same."

You can build anything up and break it all down the next day. What in this world is not perpetually changing? Becoming older never ceases. Even bones grow older, whiter, and more brittle in the sun as the years go on.

Nothing is ever as it was.

Prayer . . .

. . . Is the most amazing resource I have been given on this earth. How in the world could I survive this life without a constant lifeline to the only one who really knows what is best. I feel so bad for people who don't think they can pray. I wish they knew what kind of power lie in prayer. I stop and pray so much throughout the day. Random times, for random reasons. When I don't know what to do. When I am upset. When I am amazed at a new blessing. When I am amazed at an old blessing. When I start worrying about the future. Every little thing. I trace it back to God. He blesses me immensely. He shows me the way. And when I follow his way, it always turns out for the best.

My testimony of the Gospel is so deeply rooted in prayer that whenever I am struggling with any other Gospel topic, that is what I turn to. Give me knowledge of this that I may believe. And it helps so much.

The best time to pray is in the temple. The temple has weeded out so many distractions and it does so much in keeping Satan away that is it the best place for the companion of prayer to come. Revelation. God answers the prayers of His children. Especially in the temple. But He also answers the prayers of His children in his own time and in his own way. Sometimes that way is not the way we would have it. But learning to accept revelation only strengthens your relationship with the one who gave it to you.

I am so grateful that I have this tool. This invaluable resource to help me through this life. It can be an incredibly difficult life, and I am so glad that I have an omniscient Father to guide me and make things easier.