Before I had James, I did a journal prompt that was titled "100 Things I Love." I recently revisited this list and enjoyed it so much, I wanted to add it to the blog.
Here we go:
100 Things I Love: (in no particular order)
Skinny jeans. Finishing an art project. Music. The feeling after working out. Candy. Surprises. Fruit. Painting. Pictures. Learning. Halloween. A clean kitchen. Cinnamon rolls. Nostalgia. Alphabetizing. Rain. Lemonade. Summer. Organized spaces. Dustin Kensrue. Spaghetti. Mean Girls. Psychology. Fireworks. Purple. Family. The smell of fall. Alaska. Sleeping in. Spice cake. The 4th of July. Tommy Boy. Being LDS. Neuroscience. Mountains. Presents. Harry Potter. Pad Thai. Reading. Mom. Singing in the car. Lists. The 90's. Sunshine. Temples. Warm concrete on bare feet after the sun goes down. Kissing. Crafting. Nieces and nephews. Picture frames. JACOB. The smell of laundry detergent. Laughing. Having the day off. Being outside. Vacation. Doodling. Thrice. Thunderstorms. Cuddling. Playing games. Trees. Volleyball. Buying small notebooks/journals. Mopping. Snow cones. Shopping (not grocery). Nail polish. Lemon meringue pie. Teal. Apple/cinnamon scents. Shaved legs + clean sheets. Guitars. Staying up late talking. Vans shoes. Hot tubs. Prismacolors. Christmas. Ron Swanson. Clouds. Garlic. Scrapbook paper. Walking barefoot on sand. Following through. Hanging out. Screen printing. Hermione Granger. Cardigans. Sushi. Mom's homemade ham & potato soup. Hugs. Screamo. Corn on the cob. Doner Kebab. Vienna. Virgin margaritas. JAMES. Volcom. Kayaking. Sour cream & onion potato chips.
I looooove making lists (obviously, it's in the above list), but this list has to make me more happy than any other list!
Friday, November 21, 2014
Why the Stay-at-Home Mom vs. Working Mom Debate Exists . . .
The mommy wars are always ridiculous. I say this knowing full well that I have, at one time or another, contributed to them. But I think the worst mommy war topic is staying home vs. working. People can be so wretchedly mean about their opinions. So I started thinking about why such animosity exists between these two, fairly similar groups of people. Here's what I came up with.
1. Everyone wants to be validated
Basically all moms want to provide the best life possible for their children. This, however, can mean different things to different people. Sometimes it seems like the best way you can make your child's life better is to earn more money. Some circumstances mandate that you need to make more money for your child to make their life better (see #3). Sometimes people think giving their child a stable, consistent home life is the best start. Either way, we make our choice, and we hope we are doing the best thing.
And we want people to know that we are indeed doing the best thing.
So we seek validation. If saying how hard being a stay at home mom is on Facebook, someone will probably comment "Amen" or something. But it also makes us feel better about our own circumstances to trash whatever group of people is doing the opposite. Pointing out the flaws in others' plans can make us feel better about our own. This is true for many life circumstances, not just parenting, and not just this specific aspect of parenting. We want to feel like what we are doing is best. So we make a war out of it.
2. Knee jerk responses are real
This one is related to the first. If you were a working mother, and someone had the audacity to say that stay-at-home moms give their child the best start at life, or they somehow are superior, wouldn't you get defensive? It is easy to pile on the criticism either way. I have heard both. "Stay-at-home moms are lazy!" (I have seen some pretty damning videos that show just what the world thinks stay-at-home moms do all day.) "Working moms are selfish!" Whatever. Obviously neither of those things are true. But when you feel attacked, it's what you will come up with. Mostly to make yourself feel better about your situation.
3. Sometimes circumstances are out of our control
I am a stay-at-home mom by choice. Mostly. Honestly, I could probably get a job; I have decent qualifications. I know there is good day care in my area. But I would rather not. I do find my experience raising my child day-to-day rewarding.
But...
This wasn't exactly my plan. I grew up in a household that strongly rewarded academic achievement. My parents raised two valedictorians (note: there are only two kids in our family). My mindset has always been one of work and school and getting that paper. But my husband got a great job opportunity in our small hometown, and the university doesn't have a Master's program I'm interested in pursuing. (My poor choice of undergraduate degree doesn't help this situation.)
So this is what I do. I stay home and raise the baby so we can save money on daycare and because I am kind of out of options right now.
I don't think I am the only person to end up working or not working because of circumstances out of my control. And when you feel kind of stuck, you feel kind of defensive. Some working moms are working moms by choice, and some are not. Maybe most are not entirely sold one ways or the other. But if you do feel stuck, it might ease the pain of being stuck by lashing out a bit. Angry Internet rants aside, when you put down others (see #1) or boost yourself up, you may be able to make yourself feel a bit more in control in your situation.
4. There is good and bad to both circumstances
I worked a small number of hours a week from the time my little one was 7 weeks old until he was 4 1/2 months old. There were a lot of reasons to stop working that I won't get into. But it came as kind of a relief to not have to worry about juggling being a caregiver and, well, being a caregiver (ironically, that was my actual job title).
I thought the stress of life would immediately melt away because I didn't have to worry about working anymore. It didn't. Shocking, I know. Turns out there is a lot of stress in being home all day. The trouble with being a stay-at-home mom is that you are stuck at work 24 hours a day. At least if you work at home and work at work, your environment changes a bit. I see the same tasks facing me from the moment I get up in the morning 'til the moment I lay down at night. In addition, being a stay-at-home mom was challenging in all the wrong ways. You aren't tackling anything monumental or life affirming, you are just doing the mundane things that every household has to accomplish in order to function. And your co-workers (babies) are pretty demanding.
However, being a stay-at-home mom is pretty great at the same time. I have taken a greater interest in my old hobbies since I stopped working. My co-worker is dang cute and funny! And I am in remarkable control of my hours, especially now that baby is older.
There is good and bad.
I felt the same way working and raising a child. It was hectic to coordinate baby-sitters. It was exhausting to leave one job to come home to more work. But it is so rewarding to earn your own money and accomplish things outside of laundry and cleaning. Good and bad co-exist here, too.
I think that's where the root of the war comes in. Neither circumstance is perfect. Unsurprisingly, since there is virtually nothing on earth that is perfect. However, nitpicking, complaining, and unrestrained use of Internet commentating allow us to say whatever we want to whatever end we please.
So the war takes more victims.
I was not the first stay-at-home mom to be offended by someone else's slander. Nor will I be the last. But I think it helps to identify with something other than such a narrow framework. I am a stay-at-home mom, currently. I probably won't always stay home. There will be a good 30 years after the kids have gone before I die. Who knows what will happen then. And who knows what will happen when all the kids are old enough to be in school.
The point is, it doesn't freaking matter.
You do the best you can with the circumstances you are in. You try to make good choices for your family. And you shut the @#$% up about so-and-so's choices because it has absolutely nothing to do with you.
Okay, moving on.
1. Everyone wants to be validated
Basically all moms want to provide the best life possible for their children. This, however, can mean different things to different people. Sometimes it seems like the best way you can make your child's life better is to earn more money. Some circumstances mandate that you need to make more money for your child to make their life better (see #3). Sometimes people think giving their child a stable, consistent home life is the best start. Either way, we make our choice, and we hope we are doing the best thing.
And we want people to know that we are indeed doing the best thing.
So we seek validation. If saying how hard being a stay at home mom is on Facebook, someone will probably comment "Amen" or something. But it also makes us feel better about our own circumstances to trash whatever group of people is doing the opposite. Pointing out the flaws in others' plans can make us feel better about our own. This is true for many life circumstances, not just parenting, and not just this specific aspect of parenting. We want to feel like what we are doing is best. So we make a war out of it.
2. Knee jerk responses are real
This one is related to the first. If you were a working mother, and someone had the audacity to say that stay-at-home moms give their child the best start at life, or they somehow are superior, wouldn't you get defensive? It is easy to pile on the criticism either way. I have heard both. "Stay-at-home moms are lazy!" (I have seen some pretty damning videos that show just what the world thinks stay-at-home moms do all day.) "Working moms are selfish!" Whatever. Obviously neither of those things are true. But when you feel attacked, it's what you will come up with. Mostly to make yourself feel better about your situation.
3. Sometimes circumstances are out of our control
I am a stay-at-home mom by choice. Mostly. Honestly, I could probably get a job; I have decent qualifications. I know there is good day care in my area. But I would rather not. I do find my experience raising my child day-to-day rewarding.
But...
This wasn't exactly my plan. I grew up in a household that strongly rewarded academic achievement. My parents raised two valedictorians (note: there are only two kids in our family). My mindset has always been one of work and school and getting that paper. But my husband got a great job opportunity in our small hometown, and the university doesn't have a Master's program I'm interested in pursuing. (My poor choice of undergraduate degree doesn't help this situation.)
So this is what I do. I stay home and raise the baby so we can save money on daycare and because I am kind of out of options right now.
I don't think I am the only person to end up working or not working because of circumstances out of my control. And when you feel kind of stuck, you feel kind of defensive. Some working moms are working moms by choice, and some are not. Maybe most are not entirely sold one ways or the other. But if you do feel stuck, it might ease the pain of being stuck by lashing out a bit. Angry Internet rants aside, when you put down others (see #1) or boost yourself up, you may be able to make yourself feel a bit more in control in your situation.
4. There is good and bad to both circumstances
I worked a small number of hours a week from the time my little one was 7 weeks old until he was 4 1/2 months old. There were a lot of reasons to stop working that I won't get into. But it came as kind of a relief to not have to worry about juggling being a caregiver and, well, being a caregiver (ironically, that was my actual job title).
I thought the stress of life would immediately melt away because I didn't have to worry about working anymore. It didn't. Shocking, I know. Turns out there is a lot of stress in being home all day. The trouble with being a stay-at-home mom is that you are stuck at work 24 hours a day. At least if you work at home and work at work, your environment changes a bit. I see the same tasks facing me from the moment I get up in the morning 'til the moment I lay down at night. In addition, being a stay-at-home mom was challenging in all the wrong ways. You aren't tackling anything monumental or life affirming, you are just doing the mundane things that every household has to accomplish in order to function. And your co-workers (babies) are pretty demanding.
However, being a stay-at-home mom is pretty great at the same time. I have taken a greater interest in my old hobbies since I stopped working. My co-worker is dang cute and funny! And I am in remarkable control of my hours, especially now that baby is older.
There is good and bad.
I felt the same way working and raising a child. It was hectic to coordinate baby-sitters. It was exhausting to leave one job to come home to more work. But it is so rewarding to earn your own money and accomplish things outside of laundry and cleaning. Good and bad co-exist here, too.
I think that's where the root of the war comes in. Neither circumstance is perfect. Unsurprisingly, since there is virtually nothing on earth that is perfect. However, nitpicking, complaining, and unrestrained use of Internet commentating allow us to say whatever we want to whatever end we please.
So the war takes more victims.
I was not the first stay-at-home mom to be offended by someone else's slander. Nor will I be the last. But I think it helps to identify with something other than such a narrow framework. I am a stay-at-home mom, currently. I probably won't always stay home. There will be a good 30 years after the kids have gone before I die. Who knows what will happen then. And who knows what will happen when all the kids are old enough to be in school.
The point is, it doesn't freaking matter.
You do the best you can with the circumstances you are in. You try to make good choices for your family. And you shut the @#$% up about so-and-so's choices because it has absolutely nothing to do with you.
Okay, moving on.
Friday, June 6, 2014
One of my favorite things . . . ever . . .
This post is about to get weird. You have been warned.
Not weird in the way a good portion of the Internet is weird. But weird in the way that I am about to talk about something people don't spend much time talking about.
Breasts, medically speaking.
Yes, it's weird. I don't know why it's weird, but I'll get to that later.
Okay, here's the point of the post: I love breastfeeding. Seriously, absolutely no joke, I adore it.
Time to make a list (I make a lot of those)
Why I Love Breastfeeding:
1. I'll start with the motivation I had behind breastfeeding. Before there was ever a baby or a need to feed him, I wanted to breastfeed because of the medical benefits. Hopefully, most people are at least somewhat aware of them. I think the best argument for why breastfeeding is best can be found on every container of infant formula. It says, and I quote: "Experts agree, breastfeeding is best for baby." If the #1 competition for breastfeeding conceded that breastfeeding is best, it must certainly be so. But, to convince you further, here are some more detailed arguments:
*Even after one feeding, your baby's levels of immunoglobulins (the building blocks of the immune system) skyrocket to exactly what they need. A breastfeeding mother gives her baby her very own immune system. A formula fed child takes two years to reach those same levels. Breast milk contains antibodies for illnesses that the mother is current battling, protecting her child from the contagions that he would be exposed to anyway.
*Breast milk changes over the course of a babies life to suit the needs of a baby at the very specific point in the development they need it.
*Breast milk contains agents that scientists have not been able to identify and formula does not contain, because we do not know how to replicate them.
*Babies who are formula-fed have higher incidences of ear infections, eczema, food allergies, asthma, gastrointestinal infections that cause vomiting and diarrhea, pneumonia and other respiratory diseases, obesity in adolescence and adulthood, type 1 and type 2 diabetes, childhood leukemia and lymphoma, and sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS). (This info is from the American Academy of Pediatrics guide to breastfeeding.)
Every health organization across the world recommends exclusive breastfeeding for the first six months of life. So, yeah, breastfeeding is awesome.
2. Now, for the unexpected benefits. The best one by far is the closeness. Holding that baby close to you, his little hands resting on you, his little eyes glancing up at you. Ugh, I can't even handle it. It is one of the best feelings in the world. It is, of course, related to the skin-to-skin contact that is so beneficial for babies health and mom's psychological health. It also has to do with the rush of oxytocin the bodies generates while breastfeeding. Nothing like a hormonal boost of good feelings to make you associate positivity with something you are doing.
3. Feeling like a champion because every single ounce and inch that the baby has grown is 100% because of me. What kind of a rock star am I when I single-handed grew that baby (inside and outside the womb)! I obviously feel pretty cool about myself when I look at how big his head is getting or how much longer he is now and think that, for his first six months, that was all because of my efforts.
4. Once he started becoming the wiggle-meister that he currently is, being able to hold him and have him lie (mostly) still was a nice feeling. I, for one, loved having a little cuddly newborn, and miss that in itself quite a lot. Breastfeeding is the closest I get to having my newborn back.
Now, to clarify, breastfeeding is NOT easy, in the beginning. For some people, it is never easy. I totally understand the "why am I doing this?" feeling. I, fortunately, just never even considered the option that I was going to try formula feeding instead. It was like my brain did not permit that kind of thought. After, 5 weeks, things got considerably easier. I was able to say, yes, I can make it to six months. That is reasonable. And after about three months, I began to really love it. (It helps that it takes him much less time to each, so it is basically like a 10 minute cuddle now, whereas before it was an hour long ordeal.)
Two things I need to say. I do not intend to attack anyone or insult anyone who did not breastfeed their child. I understand that there are a multiplicity of reasons for not breastfeeding. Sometimes the body is just physically not capable of doing it. Sometimes it is a ridiculously hard trial and it never seems to get easier. I get that.
I did want to say this so that if someone reads this who is contemplating quitting might be able to try it a little bit longer. I also wanted to post this to hopefully change someone's mind who is like, "I'm just going to formula feed, it seems easier." At least try! It's almost selfish to not even try!
Lastly, I hope that someone who hates it might be able to endure it long enough to have this wonderful positively experience that I have been so blessed to have. I am 100% sure that I am going to cry the day James is completely weaned. I will miss this wonderfully fulfilling and meaningful experience. One of my greatest achievements is that I stuck with it long enough to have this kind of wonderful experience with my baby. I am so grateful for that.
Not weird in the way a good portion of the Internet is weird. But weird in the way that I am about to talk about something people don't spend much time talking about.
Breasts, medically speaking.
Yes, it's weird. I don't know why it's weird, but I'll get to that later.
Okay, here's the point of the post: I love breastfeeding. Seriously, absolutely no joke, I adore it.
Time to make a list (I make a lot of those)
Why I Love Breastfeeding:
1. I'll start with the motivation I had behind breastfeeding. Before there was ever a baby or a need to feed him, I wanted to breastfeed because of the medical benefits. Hopefully, most people are at least somewhat aware of them. I think the best argument for why breastfeeding is best can be found on every container of infant formula. It says, and I quote: "Experts agree, breastfeeding is best for baby." If the #1 competition for breastfeeding conceded that breastfeeding is best, it must certainly be so. But, to convince you further, here are some more detailed arguments:
*Even after one feeding, your baby's levels of immunoglobulins (the building blocks of the immune system) skyrocket to exactly what they need. A breastfeeding mother gives her baby her very own immune system. A formula fed child takes two years to reach those same levels. Breast milk contains antibodies for illnesses that the mother is current battling, protecting her child from the contagions that he would be exposed to anyway.
*Breast milk changes over the course of a babies life to suit the needs of a baby at the very specific point in the development they need it.
*Breast milk contains agents that scientists have not been able to identify and formula does not contain, because we do not know how to replicate them.
*Babies who are formula-fed have higher incidences of ear infections, eczema, food allergies, asthma, gastrointestinal infections that cause vomiting and diarrhea, pneumonia and other respiratory diseases, obesity in adolescence and adulthood, type 1 and type 2 diabetes, childhood leukemia and lymphoma, and sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS). (This info is from the American Academy of Pediatrics guide to breastfeeding.)
Every health organization across the world recommends exclusive breastfeeding for the first six months of life. So, yeah, breastfeeding is awesome.
2. Now, for the unexpected benefits. The best one by far is the closeness. Holding that baby close to you, his little hands resting on you, his little eyes glancing up at you. Ugh, I can't even handle it. It is one of the best feelings in the world. It is, of course, related to the skin-to-skin contact that is so beneficial for babies health and mom's psychological health. It also has to do with the rush of oxytocin the bodies generates while breastfeeding. Nothing like a hormonal boost of good feelings to make you associate positivity with something you are doing.
3. Feeling like a champion because every single ounce and inch that the baby has grown is 100% because of me. What kind of a rock star am I when I single-handed grew that baby (inside and outside the womb)! I obviously feel pretty cool about myself when I look at how big his head is getting or how much longer he is now and think that, for his first six months, that was all because of my efforts.
4. Once he started becoming the wiggle-meister that he currently is, being able to hold him and have him lie (mostly) still was a nice feeling. I, for one, loved having a little cuddly newborn, and miss that in itself quite a lot. Breastfeeding is the closest I get to having my newborn back.
Now, to clarify, breastfeeding is NOT easy, in the beginning. For some people, it is never easy. I totally understand the "why am I doing this?" feeling. I, fortunately, just never even considered the option that I was going to try formula feeding instead. It was like my brain did not permit that kind of thought. After, 5 weeks, things got considerably easier. I was able to say, yes, I can make it to six months. That is reasonable. And after about three months, I began to really love it. (It helps that it takes him much less time to each, so it is basically like a 10 minute cuddle now, whereas before it was an hour long ordeal.)
Two things I need to say. I do not intend to attack anyone or insult anyone who did not breastfeed their child. I understand that there are a multiplicity of reasons for not breastfeeding. Sometimes the body is just physically not capable of doing it. Sometimes it is a ridiculously hard trial and it never seems to get easier. I get that.
I did want to say this so that if someone reads this who is contemplating quitting might be able to try it a little bit longer. I also wanted to post this to hopefully change someone's mind who is like, "I'm just going to formula feed, it seems easier." At least try! It's almost selfish to not even try!
Lastly, I hope that someone who hates it might be able to endure it long enough to have this wonderful positively experience that I have been so blessed to have. I am 100% sure that I am going to cry the day James is completely weaned. I will miss this wonderfully fulfilling and meaningful experience. One of my greatest achievements is that I stuck with it long enough to have this kind of wonderful experience with my baby. I am so grateful for that.
Post 6 months . . .
I heard it going into having a baby, but I didn't have any concept for it: the first six months of new parenthood is ridiculously hard. There were times when it wasn't that bad, sure, but it seemed like there was way more time spent going "oh, crap, I can't do this."
Maybe I'm just a bad mom. I don't know. I've never been a mom before, I have nothing to compare this to. But I felt like I was going to lose my shi* often. Speaking of shi*, I have sworn more in the last 7 1/2 months than I had in the entire 23 years previous. It's just hard. I like making lists, so here's a list of what is so hard.
1. Sleep. I feel I covered this extensively in the last post, so I will move on.
2. Being needed. Constantly. I think the time after you move out of your parents house and before you become a parent is some of the most me-centric time your whole life. I seriously did what I wanted 98% of the time. Yes, I was going to school and working, but when I got home, especially if the husband wasn't home, I did whatever I dang well pleased. If I wanted to take a nap, I napped. If I wanted to play video games, I played video games. Etc. But I feel like so much of my life is dictated by the needs of this small human. I mean, I can try to do something I want to do, even if it seems like it might work out for a minute. But it doesn't really last. Baby always needs something, it seems. In the past month or so, James has started napping consistently enough that I am able to shower while he sleeps. This is a huge accomplishment. Having the opportunity to shower every day, before noon! Wow. That is wild stuff. So freeing, except when I think about the freedoms of pre-baby life.
3. Expectations. They kill everything, but they especially kill the fun of having a baby. I knew from my Child Development classes that newborns slept approximately 17 hours a day. So I assumed that he would just be sleeping constantly. And he sure seemed to be falling asleep constantly, but dang, he never slept for long. And he sure liked to be awake at 1:00 AM those first two weeks of his life. But the expectations continue to kill you even after you start realize that you have become a walking zombie and that's probably how things are going to be for a while. Like expecting him to cry less as he gets older. Or expecting that bedtimes will get easier as he gets older. Or expecting him to like green beans because you like green beans. Or expecting him to sleep through the night at 4 months because many babies sleep through the night at four months. Expectations basically just set you up for failure and make you feel like you have done something wrong, when the reality is you are just responsible for this little being that hasn't been a part of the world for even a year and has no idea what the paradigm of life is out here. It's cool. He's just a baby.
4. Being a stay-at-home mom. This is obviously not applicable to everyone, nor should it be. Some families do it differently, and that is fine. It made the most sense in our family for me to stay home with James. And I am glad I do, and I don't miss my job much at all. But it is trying stuff. I get to deal with the fussiness and the poop and the spit up and the changing clothes and the too-short naps and all the like, every day, all day. There isn't a ton of opportunity for breaks. And it is hard to change the working woman mindset to one that is okay with feeling accomplished doing things in the home. It is hard to have so many hours at home spent talking to a baby and myself. Yes, I talk to myself. I kind of have to. I have too many words not to.
Okay, we'll call that a decent list. But I am here to say one thing today:
It has gotten so much better. I do not want to say that it was like we hit the six month threshold and, all of a sudden, everything was wonderful. I just slowly realized "hey, this is easier than it used to be." Maybe I am just getting better at dealing with things, or maybe James finally learned to sit up and entertain himself for longer periods of time. Or he is learning how to put himself back down when he wakes up at night. Or he stopped waking up so much after 45 minutes of napping. Whatever, it doesn't matter, it has gotten easier.
One thing parents do to each other than is unintentionally cruel is say things like, "I'm sorry things are hard right now, but just wait until he gets to [insert arbitrary age here] and things will be so much better." Because I heard those things and hit so many of those supposed "milestones," and nothing changed. (It goes back to why expectations suck.) But I do want to get the point across, that at some point in time, it will be easier. I don't know when. I think it is different for every parent-baby combination. It probably took a long time with us because the thing that I struggle with the most was dealing with sleep deprivation and the things James dealt with the worst was sleeping well. So the combination was explosive. But thank goodness, things have gotten better.
I also want to say that just because those six month were so incredibly hard for me doesn't diminish the fact that I love my baby tremendously. In fact, loving my baby was sort of a mantra to help me through those rough times. "I do this because I love him. I do this because I wanted to be a parent and raise babies and this is what raising babies looks like. I do this because I wanted this baby. I do this because I love him."
So, all in all, being a parent is wonderfully, exquisitely sucky. And, oddly, worth it. Thankfully, the suckiness does seem to diminish. Even if it never completely disappears.
Maybe I'm just a bad mom. I don't know. I've never been a mom before, I have nothing to compare this to. But I felt like I was going to lose my shi* often. Speaking of shi*, I have sworn more in the last 7 1/2 months than I had in the entire 23 years previous. It's just hard. I like making lists, so here's a list of what is so hard.
1. Sleep. I feel I covered this extensively in the last post, so I will move on.
2. Being needed. Constantly. I think the time after you move out of your parents house and before you become a parent is some of the most me-centric time your whole life. I seriously did what I wanted 98% of the time. Yes, I was going to school and working, but when I got home, especially if the husband wasn't home, I did whatever I dang well pleased. If I wanted to take a nap, I napped. If I wanted to play video games, I played video games. Etc. But I feel like so much of my life is dictated by the needs of this small human. I mean, I can try to do something I want to do, even if it seems like it might work out for a minute. But it doesn't really last. Baby always needs something, it seems. In the past month or so, James has started napping consistently enough that I am able to shower while he sleeps. This is a huge accomplishment. Having the opportunity to shower every day, before noon! Wow. That is wild stuff. So freeing, except when I think about the freedoms of pre-baby life.
3. Expectations. They kill everything, but they especially kill the fun of having a baby. I knew from my Child Development classes that newborns slept approximately 17 hours a day. So I assumed that he would just be sleeping constantly. And he sure seemed to be falling asleep constantly, but dang, he never slept for long. And he sure liked to be awake at 1:00 AM those first two weeks of his life. But the expectations continue to kill you even after you start realize that you have become a walking zombie and that's probably how things are going to be for a while. Like expecting him to cry less as he gets older. Or expecting that bedtimes will get easier as he gets older. Or expecting him to like green beans because you like green beans. Or expecting him to sleep through the night at 4 months because many babies sleep through the night at four months. Expectations basically just set you up for failure and make you feel like you have done something wrong, when the reality is you are just responsible for this little being that hasn't been a part of the world for even a year and has no idea what the paradigm of life is out here. It's cool. He's just a baby.
4. Being a stay-at-home mom. This is obviously not applicable to everyone, nor should it be. Some families do it differently, and that is fine. It made the most sense in our family for me to stay home with James. And I am glad I do, and I don't miss my job much at all. But it is trying stuff. I get to deal with the fussiness and the poop and the spit up and the changing clothes and the too-short naps and all the like, every day, all day. There isn't a ton of opportunity for breaks. And it is hard to change the working woman mindset to one that is okay with feeling accomplished doing things in the home. It is hard to have so many hours at home spent talking to a baby and myself. Yes, I talk to myself. I kind of have to. I have too many words not to.
Okay, we'll call that a decent list. But I am here to say one thing today:
It has gotten so much better. I do not want to say that it was like we hit the six month threshold and, all of a sudden, everything was wonderful. I just slowly realized "hey, this is easier than it used to be." Maybe I am just getting better at dealing with things, or maybe James finally learned to sit up and entertain himself for longer periods of time. Or he is learning how to put himself back down when he wakes up at night. Or he stopped waking up so much after 45 minutes of napping. Whatever, it doesn't matter, it has gotten easier.
One thing parents do to each other than is unintentionally cruel is say things like, "I'm sorry things are hard right now, but just wait until he gets to [insert arbitrary age here] and things will be so much better." Because I heard those things and hit so many of those supposed "milestones," and nothing changed. (It goes back to why expectations suck.) But I do want to get the point across, that at some point in time, it will be easier. I don't know when. I think it is different for every parent-baby combination. It probably took a long time with us because the thing that I struggle with the most was dealing with sleep deprivation and the things James dealt with the worst was sleeping well. So the combination was explosive. But thank goodness, things have gotten better.
I also want to say that just because those six month were so incredibly hard for me doesn't diminish the fact that I love my baby tremendously. In fact, loving my baby was sort of a mantra to help me through those rough times. "I do this because I love him. I do this because I wanted to be a parent and raise babies and this is what raising babies looks like. I do this because I wanted this baby. I do this because I love him."
So, all in all, being a parent is wonderfully, exquisitely sucky. And, oddly, worth it. Thankfully, the suckiness does seem to diminish. Even if it never completely disappears.
Thursday, June 5, 2014
My little man . . .
I guess the appropriate beginning to my return to the blog would be talking about James. He's my baby. He's kind of awesome. Of course, any mom is probably partial to their own creation, but I do love my James. He is a fat, happy, giggling, cuddly (sometimes), loud, soft, sweet baby, who is growing up way too fast. Here are all the good things about James:
~He loves to laugh. And be happy. And smile. And all things that are good. This is one happy baby. Not necessarily always "content" (he is a wiggler), but he is pretty easy to keep happy. He is also ticklish, which is adorable. He really doesn't cry much at all.
~He loves all the things other babies hate. Bath time. Getting his diaper changed. His car seat. His crib. Etc. This baby is just so . . easy. I have seen so many other babies scream at the very notion of getting bathed or changed, and I feel so blessed that James is totally cool with so much of the things we have to do.
~He is a good eater, and has been for a long time. Not necessarily forever. But after about week five, he totally got the hang of breastfeeding and decided he was going to be a totally awesome eater. The same seems to be true for solids. He was a little hesitant at first with the solids (and rice cereal doesn't agree with his belly, but we moved on from that), but he eats really well now. Except green beans. But everyone is allowed to have something they don't like, food-wise.
~He goes down so easily for sleeping. This baby was HAAAAARD to sleep train (and I use that word referring only to conditioning a child to the circumstances under which you would like them to sleep. I am in no way referring to cry-it-out. Let's get that straight.) But all our work and effort has paid off beautifully and this baby is a dream to put down. Just a little bit of holding for a nap, and for bedtime, you can pretty much just drop him in the crib after he is calmed down and he will just fall asleep 100% on his own. Pretty bomb.
~His amazing ability to make everyone around him happy. I don't know if I have ever seen a baby that has quite this level of therapeutic capabilities. I mean, many people like holding babies. And a lot of people smile instinctively whenever they see one. But this boy, he just seems to bring people joy. Pure joy. He is so generous with his smiles and laughter that he puts people at ease. He helps people feel better when they are having a bad day. I have a therapy baby.
~The cuteness. Seriously. It is just too much:
Now, the thing that is not-so-great about James. Yes, I said the thing. As in singular. As in, I have had one bane to my existence for the last seven-and-a-half months, but, thankfully, only one. Sleeping. Yes, I realize I previously stated that this baby went down easily. Which he does, and has done so relatively well for several months. It is the staying asleep. I think we had about three months of normal, consistently getting better sleep habits. I daresay that we even had a few seven or eight hour stretches there. Before things got bad. Really bad. Like, what-the-crap-is-wrong-with-this-baby bad.
It just started one night. Just totally out of the blue, no warning. He woke up. So I went in and put him back down.
And he was up again an hour later. And an hour later. Every hour.
All night long. And it just kept going.
Every night. For months. And months.
Until I though my brains might explode out of my head from exhaustion and frustration and fatigue and desperation and all of those terrible, awful emotions that exist in so many mothers. The emotions that make you feel so guilty for feeling them, because they are about a small, helpless child that, despite all the awful things that happen, you still love so much, somehow.
So, I say that it continued for a very long time, but it did gradually get better. Bit by bit. I mean, in the grand scheme of things. I could look back on a week of his nights and see no improvement, but over the course of a month, there was a general ease of the exhaustion. It got easier for him to go back down at night. And it happened (maybe a little bit) less often.
But of course, this bane of my existance could not be a complete bane without disruption in all facets of his sleep. So about a month to a month and a half after the sleepless nights came, so did the sleepless days. Again, I am not referring to difficulty in putting him down. The ease in putting him down for naps has been consistent for a very long time.
I am talking about the 45-minute intruder. And intruder is the nicest term I can think of because it really deserves a lot more vicious label. Because it is a life-ruining monster of death and destruction.
Basically, it goes like this. James goes down for a nap (any nap, it doesn't matter). Then I go down for my nap (because let's not forget his night time sleeping is still awful and I am still tired, too). Then, right around 40-45 minutes into the nap, he just inexplicably wakes up. Sometimes he would be chatty and happy, sometimes it was like someone flicked him and he was very unhappy. Either way, it would always result in an overtired, unhappy baby and an overtired, unhappy mama.
I half-heartedly fought the battle to try to get him to go back to sleep. This was hell on earth. Sometimes I would be in his room for an hour and a half, just trying to get him to sleep, or stay asleep longer than five minutes, just to run out of time for a nap and have to get him up to feed him. Ugh, I shudder to remember those dark days. Worst.
Fortunately, we are at a happy place now. The best possible thing I did for his night-time sleep was stop feeding him in the night. I don't think I could have done it any earlier than when I did, because he was still taking a generous feed until we started him on solids at six months. Then he didn't seem to be eating much in the middle of the night. When I cut him off, he had a couple nights of a lot of waking up, but then he snapped right out of it and it became the norm to just have him wake up once or twice and just need a binky and a pat on the chest, then off again to dreamland.
The naps drastically improved after we dropped the third nap of the day. Again, I don't know how I could have made that work any sooner. We started doing that after his solid meals were getting enough inside him (instead of just on his face) that he was getting enough to make whole meals out of solids and not a combination breastfeed/solid feed.
Now he is pretty reliable. We even got to the point, after much trying and crying (me crying, not him) that he goes back down for naps pretty easily if we wakes up too early.
So, yeah, a little rant about the most difficult thing about James. But things are pretty good now. I will continue talking about things being good in the next post :)
~He loves to laugh. And be happy. And smile. And all things that are good. This is one happy baby. Not necessarily always "content" (he is a wiggler), but he is pretty easy to keep happy. He is also ticklish, which is adorable. He really doesn't cry much at all.
~He loves all the things other babies hate. Bath time. Getting his diaper changed. His car seat. His crib. Etc. This baby is just so . . easy. I have seen so many other babies scream at the very notion of getting bathed or changed, and I feel so blessed that James is totally cool with so much of the things we have to do.
~He is a good eater, and has been for a long time. Not necessarily forever. But after about week five, he totally got the hang of breastfeeding and decided he was going to be a totally awesome eater. The same seems to be true for solids. He was a little hesitant at first with the solids (and rice cereal doesn't agree with his belly, but we moved on from that), but he eats really well now. Except green beans. But everyone is allowed to have something they don't like, food-wise.
~He goes down so easily for sleeping. This baby was HAAAAARD to sleep train (and I use that word referring only to conditioning a child to the circumstances under which you would like them to sleep. I am in no way referring to cry-it-out. Let's get that straight.) But all our work and effort has paid off beautifully and this baby is a dream to put down. Just a little bit of holding for a nap, and for bedtime, you can pretty much just drop him in the crib after he is calmed down and he will just fall asleep 100% on his own. Pretty bomb.
~His amazing ability to make everyone around him happy. I don't know if I have ever seen a baby that has quite this level of therapeutic capabilities. I mean, many people like holding babies. And a lot of people smile instinctively whenever they see one. But this boy, he just seems to bring people joy. Pure joy. He is so generous with his smiles and laughter that he puts people at ease. He helps people feel better when they are having a bad day. I have a therapy baby.
~The cuteness. Seriously. It is just too much:
Now, the thing that is not-so-great about James. Yes, I said the thing. As in singular. As in, I have had one bane to my existence for the last seven-and-a-half months, but, thankfully, only one. Sleeping. Yes, I realize I previously stated that this baby went down easily. Which he does, and has done so relatively well for several months. It is the staying asleep. I think we had about three months of normal, consistently getting better sleep habits. I daresay that we even had a few seven or eight hour stretches there. Before things got bad. Really bad. Like, what-the-crap-is-wrong-with-this-baby bad.
It just started one night. Just totally out of the blue, no warning. He woke up. So I went in and put him back down.
And he was up again an hour later. And an hour later. Every hour.
All night long. And it just kept going.
Every night. For months. And months.
Until I though my brains might explode out of my head from exhaustion and frustration and fatigue and desperation and all of those terrible, awful emotions that exist in so many mothers. The emotions that make you feel so guilty for feeling them, because they are about a small, helpless child that, despite all the awful things that happen, you still love so much, somehow.
So, I say that it continued for a very long time, but it did gradually get better. Bit by bit. I mean, in the grand scheme of things. I could look back on a week of his nights and see no improvement, but over the course of a month, there was a general ease of the exhaustion. It got easier for him to go back down at night. And it happened (maybe a little bit) less often.
But of course, this bane of my existance could not be a complete bane without disruption in all facets of his sleep. So about a month to a month and a half after the sleepless nights came, so did the sleepless days. Again, I am not referring to difficulty in putting him down. The ease in putting him down for naps has been consistent for a very long time.
I am talking about the 45-minute intruder. And intruder is the nicest term I can think of because it really deserves a lot more vicious label. Because it is a life-ruining monster of death and destruction.
Basically, it goes like this. James goes down for a nap (any nap, it doesn't matter). Then I go down for my nap (because let's not forget his night time sleeping is still awful and I am still tired, too). Then, right around 40-45 minutes into the nap, he just inexplicably wakes up. Sometimes he would be chatty and happy, sometimes it was like someone flicked him and he was very unhappy. Either way, it would always result in an overtired, unhappy baby and an overtired, unhappy mama.
I half-heartedly fought the battle to try to get him to go back to sleep. This was hell on earth. Sometimes I would be in his room for an hour and a half, just trying to get him to sleep, or stay asleep longer than five minutes, just to run out of time for a nap and have to get him up to feed him. Ugh, I shudder to remember those dark days. Worst.
Fortunately, we are at a happy place now. The best possible thing I did for his night-time sleep was stop feeding him in the night. I don't think I could have done it any earlier than when I did, because he was still taking a generous feed until we started him on solids at six months. Then he didn't seem to be eating much in the middle of the night. When I cut him off, he had a couple nights of a lot of waking up, but then he snapped right out of it and it became the norm to just have him wake up once or twice and just need a binky and a pat on the chest, then off again to dreamland.
The naps drastically improved after we dropped the third nap of the day. Again, I don't know how I could have made that work any sooner. We started doing that after his solid meals were getting enough inside him (instead of just on his face) that he was getting enough to make whole meals out of solids and not a combination breastfeed/solid feed.
Now he is pretty reliable. We even got to the point, after much trying and crying (me crying, not him) that he goes back down for naps pretty easily if we wakes up too early.
So, yeah, a little rant about the most difficult thing about James. But things are pretty good now. I will continue talking about things being good in the next post :)
Catching up . . .
It has been almost nine months since I last posted something on this blog. An ironic length of time, considering the biggest reason I have been too distracted to write anything. Baby James is almost eight months old now. There were many times that I wanted to sit down and write something about being a new mom, but I just didn't have the time. Or the energy. Or the ability to recall a list of things I'd like to do.
So, I think I am about to do some catching up. Post about some things I have been thinking about in the past eight months. Sadly, no birth story. Although I enjoy reading other people's birth stories, I think that eight months past the birth is a little outdated to post something about it. Also, I kind of like the idea of keeping it off the Internet and in my close-knit family circle. Which is where it probably belongs anyway.
So, I think I am about to do some catching up. Post about some things I have been thinking about in the past eight months. Sadly, no birth story. Although I enjoy reading other people's birth stories, I think that eight months past the birth is a little outdated to post something about it. Also, I kind of like the idea of keeping it off the Internet and in my close-knit family circle. Which is where it probably belongs anyway.
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