Before I had James, I did a journal prompt that was titled "100 Things I Love." I recently revisited this list and enjoyed it so much, I wanted to add it to the blog.
Here we go:
100 Things I Love: (in no particular order)
Skinny jeans. Finishing an art project. Music. The feeling after working out. Candy. Surprises. Fruit. Painting. Pictures. Learning. Halloween. A clean kitchen. Cinnamon rolls. Nostalgia. Alphabetizing. Rain. Lemonade. Summer. Organized spaces. Dustin Kensrue. Spaghetti. Mean Girls. Psychology. Fireworks. Purple. Family. The smell of fall. Alaska. Sleeping in. Spice cake. The 4th of July. Tommy Boy. Being LDS. Neuroscience. Mountains. Presents. Harry Potter. Pad Thai. Reading. Mom. Singing in the car. Lists. The 90's. Sunshine. Temples. Warm concrete on bare feet after the sun goes down. Kissing. Crafting. Nieces and nephews. Picture frames. JACOB. The smell of laundry detergent. Laughing. Having the day off. Being outside. Vacation. Doodling. Thrice. Thunderstorms. Cuddling. Playing games. Trees. Volleyball. Buying small notebooks/journals. Mopping. Snow cones. Shopping (not grocery). Nail polish. Lemon meringue pie. Teal. Apple/cinnamon scents. Shaved legs + clean sheets. Guitars. Staying up late talking. Vans shoes. Hot tubs. Prismacolors. Christmas. Ron Swanson. Clouds. Garlic. Scrapbook paper. Walking barefoot on sand. Following through. Hanging out. Screen printing. Hermione Granger. Cardigans. Sushi. Mom's homemade ham & potato soup. Hugs. Screamo. Corn on the cob. Doner Kebab. Vienna. Virgin margaritas. JAMES. Volcom. Kayaking. Sour cream & onion potato chips.
I looooove making lists (obviously, it's in the above list), but this list has to make me more happy than any other list!
Friday, November 21, 2014
Why the Stay-at-Home Mom vs. Working Mom Debate Exists . . .
The mommy wars are always ridiculous. I say this knowing full well that I have, at one time or another, contributed to them. But I think the worst mommy war topic is staying home vs. working. People can be so wretchedly mean about their opinions. So I started thinking about why such animosity exists between these two, fairly similar groups of people. Here's what I came up with.
1. Everyone wants to be validated
Basically all moms want to provide the best life possible for their children. This, however, can mean different things to different people. Sometimes it seems like the best way you can make your child's life better is to earn more money. Some circumstances mandate that you need to make more money for your child to make their life better (see #3). Sometimes people think giving their child a stable, consistent home life is the best start. Either way, we make our choice, and we hope we are doing the best thing.
And we want people to know that we are indeed doing the best thing.
So we seek validation. If saying how hard being a stay at home mom is on Facebook, someone will probably comment "Amen" or something. But it also makes us feel better about our own circumstances to trash whatever group of people is doing the opposite. Pointing out the flaws in others' plans can make us feel better about our own. This is true for many life circumstances, not just parenting, and not just this specific aspect of parenting. We want to feel like what we are doing is best. So we make a war out of it.
2. Knee jerk responses are real
This one is related to the first. If you were a working mother, and someone had the audacity to say that stay-at-home moms give their child the best start at life, or they somehow are superior, wouldn't you get defensive? It is easy to pile on the criticism either way. I have heard both. "Stay-at-home moms are lazy!" (I have seen some pretty damning videos that show just what the world thinks stay-at-home moms do all day.) "Working moms are selfish!" Whatever. Obviously neither of those things are true. But when you feel attacked, it's what you will come up with. Mostly to make yourself feel better about your situation.
3. Sometimes circumstances are out of our control
I am a stay-at-home mom by choice. Mostly. Honestly, I could probably get a job; I have decent qualifications. I know there is good day care in my area. But I would rather not. I do find my experience raising my child day-to-day rewarding.
But...
This wasn't exactly my plan. I grew up in a household that strongly rewarded academic achievement. My parents raised two valedictorians (note: there are only two kids in our family). My mindset has always been one of work and school and getting that paper. But my husband got a great job opportunity in our small hometown, and the university doesn't have a Master's program I'm interested in pursuing. (My poor choice of undergraduate degree doesn't help this situation.)
So this is what I do. I stay home and raise the baby so we can save money on daycare and because I am kind of out of options right now.
I don't think I am the only person to end up working or not working because of circumstances out of my control. And when you feel kind of stuck, you feel kind of defensive. Some working moms are working moms by choice, and some are not. Maybe most are not entirely sold one ways or the other. But if you do feel stuck, it might ease the pain of being stuck by lashing out a bit. Angry Internet rants aside, when you put down others (see #1) or boost yourself up, you may be able to make yourself feel a bit more in control in your situation.
4. There is good and bad to both circumstances
I worked a small number of hours a week from the time my little one was 7 weeks old until he was 4 1/2 months old. There were a lot of reasons to stop working that I won't get into. But it came as kind of a relief to not have to worry about juggling being a caregiver and, well, being a caregiver (ironically, that was my actual job title).
I thought the stress of life would immediately melt away because I didn't have to worry about working anymore. It didn't. Shocking, I know. Turns out there is a lot of stress in being home all day. The trouble with being a stay-at-home mom is that you are stuck at work 24 hours a day. At least if you work at home and work at work, your environment changes a bit. I see the same tasks facing me from the moment I get up in the morning 'til the moment I lay down at night. In addition, being a stay-at-home mom was challenging in all the wrong ways. You aren't tackling anything monumental or life affirming, you are just doing the mundane things that every household has to accomplish in order to function. And your co-workers (babies) are pretty demanding.
However, being a stay-at-home mom is pretty great at the same time. I have taken a greater interest in my old hobbies since I stopped working. My co-worker is dang cute and funny! And I am in remarkable control of my hours, especially now that baby is older.
There is good and bad.
I felt the same way working and raising a child. It was hectic to coordinate baby-sitters. It was exhausting to leave one job to come home to more work. But it is so rewarding to earn your own money and accomplish things outside of laundry and cleaning. Good and bad co-exist here, too.
I think that's where the root of the war comes in. Neither circumstance is perfect. Unsurprisingly, since there is virtually nothing on earth that is perfect. However, nitpicking, complaining, and unrestrained use of Internet commentating allow us to say whatever we want to whatever end we please.
So the war takes more victims.
I was not the first stay-at-home mom to be offended by someone else's slander. Nor will I be the last. But I think it helps to identify with something other than such a narrow framework. I am a stay-at-home mom, currently. I probably won't always stay home. There will be a good 30 years after the kids have gone before I die. Who knows what will happen then. And who knows what will happen when all the kids are old enough to be in school.
The point is, it doesn't freaking matter.
You do the best you can with the circumstances you are in. You try to make good choices for your family. And you shut the @#$% up about so-and-so's choices because it has absolutely nothing to do with you.
Okay, moving on.
1. Everyone wants to be validated
Basically all moms want to provide the best life possible for their children. This, however, can mean different things to different people. Sometimes it seems like the best way you can make your child's life better is to earn more money. Some circumstances mandate that you need to make more money for your child to make their life better (see #3). Sometimes people think giving their child a stable, consistent home life is the best start. Either way, we make our choice, and we hope we are doing the best thing.
And we want people to know that we are indeed doing the best thing.
So we seek validation. If saying how hard being a stay at home mom is on Facebook, someone will probably comment "Amen" or something. But it also makes us feel better about our own circumstances to trash whatever group of people is doing the opposite. Pointing out the flaws in others' plans can make us feel better about our own. This is true for many life circumstances, not just parenting, and not just this specific aspect of parenting. We want to feel like what we are doing is best. So we make a war out of it.
2. Knee jerk responses are real
This one is related to the first. If you were a working mother, and someone had the audacity to say that stay-at-home moms give their child the best start at life, or they somehow are superior, wouldn't you get defensive? It is easy to pile on the criticism either way. I have heard both. "Stay-at-home moms are lazy!" (I have seen some pretty damning videos that show just what the world thinks stay-at-home moms do all day.) "Working moms are selfish!" Whatever. Obviously neither of those things are true. But when you feel attacked, it's what you will come up with. Mostly to make yourself feel better about your situation.
3. Sometimes circumstances are out of our control
I am a stay-at-home mom by choice. Mostly. Honestly, I could probably get a job; I have decent qualifications. I know there is good day care in my area. But I would rather not. I do find my experience raising my child day-to-day rewarding.
But...
This wasn't exactly my plan. I grew up in a household that strongly rewarded academic achievement. My parents raised two valedictorians (note: there are only two kids in our family). My mindset has always been one of work and school and getting that paper. But my husband got a great job opportunity in our small hometown, and the university doesn't have a Master's program I'm interested in pursuing. (My poor choice of undergraduate degree doesn't help this situation.)
So this is what I do. I stay home and raise the baby so we can save money on daycare and because I am kind of out of options right now.
I don't think I am the only person to end up working or not working because of circumstances out of my control. And when you feel kind of stuck, you feel kind of defensive. Some working moms are working moms by choice, and some are not. Maybe most are not entirely sold one ways or the other. But if you do feel stuck, it might ease the pain of being stuck by lashing out a bit. Angry Internet rants aside, when you put down others (see #1) or boost yourself up, you may be able to make yourself feel a bit more in control in your situation.
4. There is good and bad to both circumstances
I worked a small number of hours a week from the time my little one was 7 weeks old until he was 4 1/2 months old. There were a lot of reasons to stop working that I won't get into. But it came as kind of a relief to not have to worry about juggling being a caregiver and, well, being a caregiver (ironically, that was my actual job title).
I thought the stress of life would immediately melt away because I didn't have to worry about working anymore. It didn't. Shocking, I know. Turns out there is a lot of stress in being home all day. The trouble with being a stay-at-home mom is that you are stuck at work 24 hours a day. At least if you work at home and work at work, your environment changes a bit. I see the same tasks facing me from the moment I get up in the morning 'til the moment I lay down at night. In addition, being a stay-at-home mom was challenging in all the wrong ways. You aren't tackling anything monumental or life affirming, you are just doing the mundane things that every household has to accomplish in order to function. And your co-workers (babies) are pretty demanding.
However, being a stay-at-home mom is pretty great at the same time. I have taken a greater interest in my old hobbies since I stopped working. My co-worker is dang cute and funny! And I am in remarkable control of my hours, especially now that baby is older.
There is good and bad.
I felt the same way working and raising a child. It was hectic to coordinate baby-sitters. It was exhausting to leave one job to come home to more work. But it is so rewarding to earn your own money and accomplish things outside of laundry and cleaning. Good and bad co-exist here, too.
I think that's where the root of the war comes in. Neither circumstance is perfect. Unsurprisingly, since there is virtually nothing on earth that is perfect. However, nitpicking, complaining, and unrestrained use of Internet commentating allow us to say whatever we want to whatever end we please.
So the war takes more victims.
I was not the first stay-at-home mom to be offended by someone else's slander. Nor will I be the last. But I think it helps to identify with something other than such a narrow framework. I am a stay-at-home mom, currently. I probably won't always stay home. There will be a good 30 years after the kids have gone before I die. Who knows what will happen then. And who knows what will happen when all the kids are old enough to be in school.
The point is, it doesn't freaking matter.
You do the best you can with the circumstances you are in. You try to make good choices for your family. And you shut the @#$% up about so-and-so's choices because it has absolutely nothing to do with you.
Okay, moving on.
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