I spoke with my advisor last week to plan out my senior year. I can't believe I will have a Bachelor's degree in just over a year. Two more semesters. Nine more classes. It really snuck up on me, and now I have to worry about the GRE and grad school and starting a real life. Sometimes I wish I were still six years old. I wish I could go ouside in a shorts and a t-shirt and play in the mud. I wish I could still sleep in the backyard with my brother in a sleeping bag. I wish I could still play with plastic horses and Beanie Babies until I fell asleep face down on the floor. Life was so simple and easy. But I didn't know enough to realize it.
All kids want to do it grow up and get older. All I want to do is be 3 1/2 feet tall and go to first grade.
When I was young, I was constantly concerned with the future. Being old enough to date. Being old enough to drive. Being old enough to stay out later than 10:00. Now I am stuck. Stuck somewhere between the future and the past. By this, I do not mean the present. Half of the time I think about the next 8 tasks and when I should take the GRE and when I'll have to get a new job and when I'll have to move to grad school. The other half of the time I am thinking about the past. How fun it was to be 14 and just play all summer with my friends or be 8 and just ride my bike for hours and hours. How fun it was last summer when I wasn't taking the GRE or worrying about anything in particular.
I forget about my presence in the present. Right now, when I'm thinking about it, I can feel its weight. The homework assignment open in another window, the soreness of my calves from work, the strain of my eyelids from a long day. But soon enough, my mind will drift into another year, another decade, when reminiscing or predicting is more important that what I am doing.
One day, when I'm grown up, I'll learn how to live in the present. And to appreciate the moments that I have.
I'm going to go kiss my husband now.
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