Friendship is . . .

. . . I don't know. Can't think of a word that encompasses it all. Probably because the state of friendship varies so much from person to person, friendship to friendship. I have been thinking a lot lately about those people that were such a large part of my life a few years ago, and what in the crap happened to them.

I hate losing touch with people. But sometimes I feel like its inevitable. I can't think of a single person that I remained friends with for more than 6 or 7 years. Why is that? Maybe its that people can't stand being around me after that long. I don't know. It bothers me.

Someday I very much hope to track down some friends that will actually stick with me. Not these people who are "fair-weather" friends. There when things are fun and exciting. Disappear when your world is falling in. Why can't people just be consistent? Why can't people "be there for you?" People can't be bothered, I guess.

People change. This is nothing new. One person in particular was stalwart and amazing when I first came to know her. She was valiant and strong in her convictions, fearlessly honest, and knew where her priorities were. Where is she now? I don't know. Somewhere far away, making half-hearted suggestions that we should "get together sometime" (could a statement be more vague?). Married to a guy she shouldn't be married to because her mind is fleeting and she doesn't care what she does anymore. She's not responsible for anything. I don't even know her anymore. This is why I don't really follow through on the "getting together" suggestion.

Even some of the friends I have managed to stay in contact with, I am bewildered by. Who are you? Do I even know you? You weren't like this when I knew you.

So now I am here. My best friend is my husband. My next closest friend is hundreds of miles away with very limited contact. When my husband is working, I clean the house, watch The Office, and read Harry Potter. Hoping one day I will find someone who is actually worth getting to know and actually worth inviting over. Someone who won't leave when the trauma comes, when I am sobbing, when I need them most.