Once upon a time there was a girl who had everything. Or, more specifically, she had a boy who meant Everything to her. Everything was exactly what she wanted. He paid attention to her. He kissed her when she needed it. He loved her. At least, he told her he loved her.
Then, all at once, Everything was gone. He left her, and the reality crashed through her world and demolished all the things she worked for. Confidence. Self-esteem. Purpose. She felt lost and hopeless. Each new day was more long and painful than the last. Then, just as suddenly as he had gone, Everything was back.
Life was renewed to the girl who lost Everything. She was happy. She was beautiful. At least, that's what he told her. Everything had changed and become better. This time, things would work out.
When things did not work out, she hurt more than last time. Could that even be possible. The loss of Everything seemed too great to bear. She thought her body would shut down from the pain of it all. Everything could not be gone. He would come back, just like last time.
And he did. He came back, apologetic. Telling her all the beautiful words she loved to her. "I love you." "You are the one for me." Filling her with his beautiful lies. He kissed her, touched her, held her in all the ways he used to. And then, when the night was over, he was gone.
Three weeks passed, and she was in a trance. Food didn't taste. Sleep didn't welcome her each night. The only thing that she could do to pass the time was run. Run until her body dropped those pounds that might be keeping Everything away. Five pounds. Ten pounds. Fifteen pounds. Then he came again.
Hours and hours they lay together, whispering their sweet nothings that were, as always, really nothing at all. He breathed his wonderful lies into her soul and they renewed the dying spirit that had resided there for three weeks.
And then the truth came, as it always does.
"This was a mistake. I can't see you anymore. This won't happen again."
But she knew better. This time, only two weeks passed before he was back, with his sweet tantalizing words of praise and his increasingly wandering hands. There are no limits on a relationship that doesn't exist. She let the hours crawl by as she waste away her time with the one that could do no wrong in her eyes. And then he was gone again.
She couldn't contain the excitement of these visits. She told. And they told. Soon the World knew about the nighttime wandering and hours of bliss. And the World interfered. He was reprimanded and was forced to feel the guilt that confused her. What was there to feel guilty for? He was merely showing her how much he loved her. That he really was her Everything.
But the end would come, now that the World knew. He came to her, shamefully, with only a moment to spare, as he told her how things would be.
"You can't be in my life anymore. Don't try to talk to me. Don't be around me. Don't come to places I will be. I will never come back. Stay away from me and forget about me."
As she clattered to the ground, he walked away. Everything turned to nothing. And nothing feels like hell. She scraped against the ground as her body writhed in pain. She felt her body disappearing into nothing as the escaped into the Death that was so surely coming to claim her. Death can be the only thing waiting on the other side of pain like this. She felt like the smallest thing in the world. And she wanted that merciful master of Death to come take her from that floor and remove the sorrow that threatened to tear her apart.
As the weeks passed, Death did not come to get her. And neither did he. She didn't see him at all. Only heard of him. Heard of his new Everything. The one he whispered to "I love you." At least, that's what they said.
At last, the shadow was lifted from her eyes. And she understood what it meant. Hours of loving bliss to her were merely passing of time and a sick release of passion and lust. The body she had worked on, for him, felt ugly, used, and dirty. And then the realization came. The lies. The facade. The love that she had participated in was never to be reciprocated. For in that grand game of love, she had played alone.
And she, alone, had suffered for it.
She stands on the other side of it now. Alive and whole. And knowing that it is only her who can change herself from the one who tolerates Everything to the one who knows for herself what it is to be truly loved.
To love herself.
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