Life is unfair . . . sometimes . . .

I don't know why I can't focus on writing my essay. I guess I just want to write other things. This is why I am here.

Life can be so dumb sometimes. And really unfair. I really dislike it when people don't suffer the consequences of their choices; the suffering gets deferred to someone else. Like me. I am not saying that I am suffering, trust me, I love my life. But I do have to deal with the issues of someone else because they won't man-up and do it themselves.

Once upon a time, I dated a guy who turned out to be a jerk. That ended in the most ugly way imaginable and I am still suffering the emotional consequences of his . . . jerkiness. But I will have you know that he is the one who destroyed our relationship. I mean, really, obliterated it. Stuck a hand-grenade in the middle of it and ran. And yet, I am the one who's still cleaning up after it.

(I don't know why I am being so secretive about the details, it's not like anyone reads this.)

Anyway, I find it incredibly annoying that even though I am the one who was hurt by everything he did to me, I am still the one cleaning up after him. I am the one who doesn't get invited to things because he might be there.

He's the one who still talks crap about me to our friends. He's the one who runs away from me when he sees me. He's the one who has so much hatred for me. He's the one who left me dying, face down on the floor.

Personally, I think he is the one who should sit at home when everyone is out having a good time. He should be the one dealing with the consequences of his own decisions.

But I am just a little bitter.

Just a little.

Some people are just so . . .

This is not a cynical post, which the title may have led you to believe.

I am very excited now. I get excited when humanity shows me its still humane. I get excited when people show me they know how to be people and not animals.

I am grateful for grateful people.

That is all.

Is that so bad?

I enjoy those people who take the time to acknowledge the things that other people do for them.

I enjoy those people who surprise you with a bit more support and follow-through than you were expecting.

Some days, people disgust me.

Today is not one of those days.

Growing up . . .

I spoke with my advisor last week to plan out my senior year. I can't believe I will have a Bachelor's degree in just over a year. Two more semesters. Nine more classes. It really snuck up on me, and now I have to worry about the GRE and grad school and starting a real life. Sometimes I wish I were still six years old. I wish I could go ouside in a shorts and a t-shirt and play in the mud. I wish I could still sleep in the backyard with my brother in a sleeping bag. I wish I could still play with plastic horses and Beanie Babies until I fell asleep face down on the floor. Life was so simple and easy. But I didn't know enough to realize it.

All kids want to do it grow up and get older. All I want to do is be 3 1/2 feet tall and go to first grade.

When I was young, I was constantly concerned with the future. Being old enough to date. Being old enough to drive. Being old enough to stay out later than 10:00. Now I am stuck. Stuck somewhere between the future and the past. By this, I do not mean the present. Half of the time I think about the next 8 tasks and when I should take the GRE and when I'll have to get a new job and when I'll have to move to grad school. The other half of the time I am thinking about the past. How fun it was to be 14 and just play all summer with my friends or be 8 and just ride my bike for hours and hours. How fun it was last summer when I wasn't taking the GRE or worrying about anything in particular.

I forget about my presence in the present. Right now, when I'm thinking about it, I can feel its weight. The homework assignment open in another window, the soreness of my calves from work, the strain of my eyelids from a long day. But soon enough, my mind will drift into another year, another decade, when reminiscing or predicting is more important that what I am doing.

One day, when I'm grown up, I'll learn how to live in the present. And to appreciate the moments that I have.

I'm going to go kiss my husband now.

Love is . . .

Love is blinding.
Love is crippling.
Nothing with can destroy your life like love can.

Love is intense.
Love is riveting.
Love can leave you reeling.

Love is not a crush.

A crush is blinding.
A crush is riveting.
A crush is fleeting.
A crush is momentary.
A crush means nothing.
Because it holds no weight.

A crush is a paper cup.
A crush lasts a week.
A crush is recyclable.
A crush is disposable.
A crush is flippant.
A crush means nothing
Because it holds no weight.

Love holds the weight.

Love is binding.
Love is complex.
Love is sure.
Love is steady.
Love is secure.
Because it can't be changed by a momentary glance.
A solemn moment in time.
Love endures.

Love perpetuates.
Love teaches.
Love entrances.
Love frees as it binds.
Love makes you better.

A crush makes you fantasize.
Love lives in the moment.

A crush leaves you wounded.
Love heals your bruises and scars.

A crush gives you sorrow.
Love makes you grateful.

Love creates.
Love simplifies.
Love equalizes.

"So come what may, I won't abandon. I won't leave you behind. Because love is a loyalty sworn, not a burning for a moment." -The Weight

In two months . . .

In two months, we will be in Vienna. Crazy! Plane tickets are bought, Jacob's fees are paid, my new passport is here. Things are coming along so well. We still have a lot to do, but I am so excited. This is going to be the best anniversary ever!!

Things left to do:
Pay my fees
Plan out the trip into Germany
Confirm flight
Buy bus tickets down to Vegas
Stop the mail
Pay rent in advance
Pack
Etc.

It's hard to get stressed out about any of this when I am just so dang excited to go!

I'm trying to figure out some things I can do while Jacob is in class during the day. So far, I am just planning on going to the giant art museum there. There is a Sigmund Freud museum there too, so that might have to be on the list too!

Joy is . . .

not a passing fancy or a fleeting moment. Joy is permanent marker on a new pair of pants. Once joy has touched you, it is imprinted on your soul. You never are the same.

Joy is fragile. Its not like pleasure. Pleasure is easy to find, temporary, and translucent. Joy is like hand blown glass. It will last longer than you do if you care for it. But if let it slip past you, it is gone. Painfully gone.

Joy comes in those moments that leave you smiling for eight days. Those moments that you can't stop thinking about. Those moments that leave you full and whole. Those moments that, if you could, you would play over and over again to fill your whole lifetime.

Joy comes from hard work, patience, virtue, and appreciation of the beautiful things in the world. Joy comes from selfless love.

Joy is irreplaceable.

Joy is mine.

February 11th . . .

One year ago today Jacob proposed to me. I can't believe its been a year. I know people say that all the time, but its true. It's been a year of joy. Everyday I am just in awe of how lucky I am to be with him. I can't believe that in all my imperfection God still blessed me with a husband that is so amazing. I don't know how I fooled him into buying me a ring and asking me to marry him, but I am just so grateful that it worked and that I have this incredible person in my life. He is an inspiration and an example to me.