. . . I don't know. Can't think of a word that encompasses it all. Probably because the state of friendship varies so much from person to person, friendship to friendship. I have been thinking a lot lately about those people that were such a large part of my life a few years ago, and what in the crap happened to them.
I hate losing touch with people. But sometimes I feel like its inevitable. I can't think of a single person that I remained friends with for more than 6 or 7 years. Why is that? Maybe its that people can't stand being around me after that long. I don't know. It bothers me.
Someday I very much hope to track down some friends that will actually stick with me. Not these people who are "fair-weather" friends. There when things are fun and exciting. Disappear when your world is falling in. Why can't people just be consistent? Why can't people "be there for you?" People can't be bothered, I guess.
People change. This is nothing new. One person in particular was stalwart and amazing when I first came to know her. She was valiant and strong in her convictions, fearlessly honest, and knew where her priorities were. Where is she now? I don't know. Somewhere far away, making half-hearted suggestions that we should "get together sometime" (could a statement be more vague?). Married to a guy she shouldn't be married to because her mind is fleeting and she doesn't care what she does anymore. She's not responsible for anything. I don't even know her anymore. This is why I don't really follow through on the "getting together" suggestion.
Even some of the friends I have managed to stay in contact with, I am bewildered by. Who are you? Do I even know you? You weren't like this when I knew you.
So now I am here. My best friend is my husband. My next closest friend is hundreds of miles away with very limited contact. When my husband is working, I clean the house, watch The Office, and read Harry Potter. Hoping one day I will find someone who is actually worth getting to know and actually worth inviting over. Someone who won't leave when the trauma comes, when I am sobbing, when I need them most.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Europe was . . .
So amazing. I can't believe that at only 21 I got to go to Europe and experience some of the most amazing sights the world has to offer. We were so lucky to be able to take the opportunity now when we are young instead of waiting until after our future kids have grown up (i.e. 30 years from now). And what a great chance for us to have five weeks, just Jacob and I, to be with one another more than we have in the past six months!
Vienna is one of my new favorite cities. I can't quite explain why. Yes, it can be a very wicked place. Smoking, racy advertisements. But there is something about it there that I just love. It is probably the architecture. People back then (1500's - 1800's) definitely cared more about the exterior of their buildings than American builders do now. And although I can't say that I believe in what the Catholic church teaches, they sure do make some beautiful cathedrals. Vienna is chuck full of them. Stephansdom, Karlskirche, Votiv kirche, St. Peter's . . . they were all so beautiful. I also had the opportunity to get to know Vienna really well. Their U-Bahn system is amazing, and gave me the opportunity to go anywhere in the city I wanted to go. It easily began to feel like home, and while we were visiting Prague, I referred to Vienna as home. I definitely want to go back there someday.
I very much enjoyed the food offerings of Austria and Germany. Man-o-man, Wiener Schnitzel is so good (no, not the American fast food chain; they've got it ALL wrong). European Fanta is crazy good. I couldn't imagine that using real fruit juice could make a drink so much better, but it does. The Turkish people are definitely doing something right with Döners. They are so good, even if I get it "nur fleisch." And while in Germany, I have never experienced such amazing sausages. Münchener Weißwurst, Nürnberger wurst, and the Coburger wurst were some of the most delicious things I have ever put in my mouth!! The Coburger wurst is roasted over pine cones and gives it the most crazy awesome flavor. Even just thinking about it is making my mouth water.
Germany is very beautiful. Vienna is a lot of concrete, but i got to see so much green while I was in Germany. Rolling hills of green green green. Coming back to Utah made me feel like I was wearing brown sunglasses. (Don't get me wrong, I still love Utah). Rothenburg was a great place. It felt and looked just like you would think an old-fashioned, little German town would look. Nürnberg was one of my favorite cities we visited. Besides their crazy awesome sausage, the buildings there are so beautiful. It reminded me a lot of Vienna. Bamberg was also very cool (besides all the drunk teenagers). We walked up the big hill to a cathedral and palace that overlooked the city. We had an amazing view of the red-shingled houses and the stormy atmosphere added to the effect.
Coming home was bittersweet. Yes, I will miss the places I have seen and I will miss the food. But there is something about being home and being back in routine that feels nice. It is also nice to wash my clothes in a washing machine instead of in a sink, by hand.
All in all, the best vacation I have ever been on. I got to spend my first anniversary in one of my favorite cities, and it was wonderful to spend so much time with my sweetie.
Vienna is one of my new favorite cities. I can't quite explain why. Yes, it can be a very wicked place. Smoking, racy advertisements. But there is something about it there that I just love. It is probably the architecture. People back then (1500's - 1800's) definitely cared more about the exterior of their buildings than American builders do now. And although I can't say that I believe in what the Catholic church teaches, they sure do make some beautiful cathedrals. Vienna is chuck full of them. Stephansdom, Karlskirche, Votiv kirche, St. Peter's . . . they were all so beautiful. I also had the opportunity to get to know Vienna really well. Their U-Bahn system is amazing, and gave me the opportunity to go anywhere in the city I wanted to go. It easily began to feel like home, and while we were visiting Prague, I referred to Vienna as home. I definitely want to go back there someday.
I very much enjoyed the food offerings of Austria and Germany. Man-o-man, Wiener Schnitzel is so good (no, not the American fast food chain; they've got it ALL wrong). European Fanta is crazy good. I couldn't imagine that using real fruit juice could make a drink so much better, but it does. The Turkish people are definitely doing something right with Döners. They are so good, even if I get it "nur fleisch." And while in Germany, I have never experienced such amazing sausages. Münchener Weißwurst, Nürnberger wurst, and the Coburger wurst were some of the most delicious things I have ever put in my mouth!! The Coburger wurst is roasted over pine cones and gives it the most crazy awesome flavor. Even just thinking about it is making my mouth water.
Germany is very beautiful. Vienna is a lot of concrete, but i got to see so much green while I was in Germany. Rolling hills of green green green. Coming back to Utah made me feel like I was wearing brown sunglasses. (Don't get me wrong, I still love Utah). Rothenburg was a great place. It felt and looked just like you would think an old-fashioned, little German town would look. Nürnberg was one of my favorite cities we visited. Besides their crazy awesome sausage, the buildings there are so beautiful. It reminded me a lot of Vienna. Bamberg was also very cool (besides all the drunk teenagers). We walked up the big hill to a cathedral and palace that overlooked the city. We had an amazing view of the red-shingled houses and the stormy atmosphere added to the effect.
Coming home was bittersweet. Yes, I will miss the places I have seen and I will miss the food. But there is something about being home and being back in routine that feels nice. It is also nice to wash my clothes in a washing machine instead of in a sink, by hand.
All in all, the best vacation I have ever been on. I got to spend my first anniversary in one of my favorite cities, and it was wonderful to spend so much time with my sweetie.
Friday, April 8, 2011
Life is unfair . . . sometimes . . .
I don't know why I can't focus on writing my essay. I guess I just want to write other things. This is why I am here.
Life can be so dumb sometimes. And really unfair. I really dislike it when people don't suffer the consequences of their choices; the suffering gets deferred to someone else. Like me. I am not saying that I am suffering, trust me, I love my life. But I do have to deal with the issues of someone else because they won't man-up and do it themselves.
Once upon a time, I dated a guy who turned out to be a jerk. That ended in the most ugly way imaginable and I am still suffering the emotional consequences of his . . . jerkiness. But I will have you know that he is the one who destroyed our relationship. I mean, really, obliterated it. Stuck a hand-grenade in the middle of it and ran. And yet, I am the one who's still cleaning up after it.
(I don't know why I am being so secretive about the details, it's not like anyone reads this.)
Anyway, I find it incredibly annoying that even though I am the one who was hurt by everything he did to me, I am still the one cleaning up after him. I am the one who doesn't get invited to things because he might be there.
He's the one who still talks crap about me to our friends. He's the one who runs away from me when he sees me. He's the one who has so much hatred for me. He's the one who left me dying, face down on the floor.
Personally, I think he is the one who should sit at home when everyone is out having a good time. He should be the one dealing with the consequences of his own decisions.
But I am just a little bitter.
Just a little.
Life can be so dumb sometimes. And really unfair. I really dislike it when people don't suffer the consequences of their choices; the suffering gets deferred to someone else. Like me. I am not saying that I am suffering, trust me, I love my life. But I do have to deal with the issues of someone else because they won't man-up and do it themselves.
Once upon a time, I dated a guy who turned out to be a jerk. That ended in the most ugly way imaginable and I am still suffering the emotional consequences of his . . . jerkiness. But I will have you know that he is the one who destroyed our relationship. I mean, really, obliterated it. Stuck a hand-grenade in the middle of it and ran. And yet, I am the one who's still cleaning up after it.
(I don't know why I am being so secretive about the details, it's not like anyone reads this.)
Anyway, I find it incredibly annoying that even though I am the one who was hurt by everything he did to me, I am still the one cleaning up after him. I am the one who doesn't get invited to things because he might be there.
He's the one who still talks crap about me to our friends. He's the one who runs away from me when he sees me. He's the one who has so much hatred for me. He's the one who left me dying, face down on the floor.
Personally, I think he is the one who should sit at home when everyone is out having a good time. He should be the one dealing with the consequences of his own decisions.
But I am just a little bitter.
Just a little.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Some people are just so . . .
This is not a cynical post, which the title may have led you to believe.
I am very excited now. I get excited when humanity shows me its still humane. I get excited when people show me they know how to be people and not animals.
I am grateful for grateful people.
That is all.
Is that so bad?
I enjoy those people who take the time to acknowledge the things that other people do for them.
I enjoy those people who surprise you with a bit more support and follow-through than you were expecting.
Some days, people disgust me.
Today is not one of those days.
I am very excited now. I get excited when humanity shows me its still humane. I get excited when people show me they know how to be people and not animals.
I am grateful for grateful people.
That is all.
Is that so bad?
I enjoy those people who take the time to acknowledge the things that other people do for them.
I enjoy those people who surprise you with a bit more support and follow-through than you were expecting.
Some days, people disgust me.
Today is not one of those days.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Growing up . . .
I spoke with my advisor last week to plan out my senior year. I can't believe I will have a Bachelor's degree in just over a year. Two more semesters. Nine more classes. It really snuck up on me, and now I have to worry about the GRE and grad school and starting a real life. Sometimes I wish I were still six years old. I wish I could go ouside in a shorts and a t-shirt and play in the mud. I wish I could still sleep in the backyard with my brother in a sleeping bag. I wish I could still play with plastic horses and Beanie Babies until I fell asleep face down on the floor. Life was so simple and easy. But I didn't know enough to realize it.
All kids want to do it grow up and get older. All I want to do is be 3 1/2 feet tall and go to first grade.
When I was young, I was constantly concerned with the future. Being old enough to date. Being old enough to drive. Being old enough to stay out later than 10:00. Now I am stuck. Stuck somewhere between the future and the past. By this, I do not mean the present. Half of the time I think about the next 8 tasks and when I should take the GRE and when I'll have to get a new job and when I'll have to move to grad school. The other half of the time I am thinking about the past. How fun it was to be 14 and just play all summer with my friends or be 8 and just ride my bike for hours and hours. How fun it was last summer when I wasn't taking the GRE or worrying about anything in particular.
I forget about my presence in the present. Right now, when I'm thinking about it, I can feel its weight. The homework assignment open in another window, the soreness of my calves from work, the strain of my eyelids from a long day. But soon enough, my mind will drift into another year, another decade, when reminiscing or predicting is more important that what I am doing.
One day, when I'm grown up, I'll learn how to live in the present. And to appreciate the moments that I have.
I'm going to go kiss my husband now.
All kids want to do it grow up and get older. All I want to do is be 3 1/2 feet tall and go to first grade.
When I was young, I was constantly concerned with the future. Being old enough to date. Being old enough to drive. Being old enough to stay out later than 10:00. Now I am stuck. Stuck somewhere between the future and the past. By this, I do not mean the present. Half of the time I think about the next 8 tasks and when I should take the GRE and when I'll have to get a new job and when I'll have to move to grad school. The other half of the time I am thinking about the past. How fun it was to be 14 and just play all summer with my friends or be 8 and just ride my bike for hours and hours. How fun it was last summer when I wasn't taking the GRE or worrying about anything in particular.
I forget about my presence in the present. Right now, when I'm thinking about it, I can feel its weight. The homework assignment open in another window, the soreness of my calves from work, the strain of my eyelids from a long day. But soon enough, my mind will drift into another year, another decade, when reminiscing or predicting is more important that what I am doing.
One day, when I'm grown up, I'll learn how to live in the present. And to appreciate the moments that I have.
I'm going to go kiss my husband now.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Love is . . .
Love is blinding.
Love is crippling.
Nothing with can destroy your life like love can.
Love is intense.
Love is riveting.
Love can leave you reeling.
Love is not a crush.
A crush is blinding.
A crush is riveting.
A crush is fleeting.
A crush is momentary.
A crush means nothing.
Because it holds no weight.
A crush is a paper cup.
A crush lasts a week.
A crush is recyclable.
A crush is disposable.
A crush is flippant.
A crush means nothing
Because it holds no weight.
Love holds the weight.
Love is binding.
Love is complex.
Love is sure.
Love is steady.
Love is secure.
Because it can't be changed by a momentary glance.
A solemn moment in time.
Love endures.
Love perpetuates.
Love teaches.
Love entrances.
Love frees as it binds.
Love makes you better.
A crush makes you fantasize.
Love lives in the moment.
A crush leaves you wounded.
Love heals your bruises and scars.
A crush gives you sorrow.
Love makes you grateful.
Love creates.
Love simplifies.
Love equalizes.
"So come what may, I won't abandon. I won't leave you behind. Because love is a loyalty sworn, not a burning for a moment." -The Weight
Love is crippling.
Nothing with can destroy your life like love can.
Love is intense.
Love is riveting.
Love can leave you reeling.
Love is not a crush.
A crush is blinding.
A crush is riveting.
A crush is fleeting.
A crush is momentary.
A crush means nothing.
Because it holds no weight.
A crush is a paper cup.
A crush lasts a week.
A crush is recyclable.
A crush is disposable.
A crush is flippant.
A crush means nothing
Because it holds no weight.
Love holds the weight.
Love is binding.
Love is complex.
Love is sure.
Love is steady.
Love is secure.
Because it can't be changed by a momentary glance.
A solemn moment in time.
Love endures.
Love perpetuates.
Love teaches.
Love entrances.
Love frees as it binds.
Love makes you better.
A crush makes you fantasize.
Love lives in the moment.
A crush leaves you wounded.
Love heals your bruises and scars.
A crush gives you sorrow.
Love makes you grateful.
Love creates.
Love simplifies.
Love equalizes.
"So come what may, I won't abandon. I won't leave you behind. Because love is a loyalty sworn, not a burning for a moment." -The Weight
Friday, March 4, 2011
In two months . . .
In two months, we will be in Vienna. Crazy! Plane tickets are bought, Jacob's fees are paid, my new passport is here. Things are coming along so well. We still have a lot to do, but I am so excited. This is going to be the best anniversary ever!!
Things left to do:
Pay my fees
Plan out the trip into Germany
Confirm flight
Buy bus tickets down to Vegas
Stop the mail
Pay rent in advance
Pack
Etc.
It's hard to get stressed out about any of this when I am just so dang excited to go!
I'm trying to figure out some things I can do while Jacob is in class during the day. So far, I am just planning on going to the giant art museum there. There is a Sigmund Freud museum there too, so that might have to be on the list too!
Things left to do:
Pay my fees
Plan out the trip into Germany
Confirm flight
Buy bus tickets down to Vegas
Stop the mail
Pay rent in advance
Pack
Etc.
It's hard to get stressed out about any of this when I am just so dang excited to go!
I'm trying to figure out some things I can do while Jacob is in class during the day. So far, I am just planning on going to the giant art museum there. There is a Sigmund Freud museum there too, so that might have to be on the list too!
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